Zombies. Scientists have scientifically proven the scientific existence of such a creature. Before we begin our tutorial to surviving the apocalyptic dawn of the zombies, we must start by learning about our freakish foes of foom.
Classic Zombie
Increased strength
Slow
Immune to most things like bullets, poison, and Cheese Crackers
Loves good healthy brains for dinner (preferably brains of lazy people; less dense brain cells to chew)
Stupid as shit
Modern Zombie
Normal strength
Fast
Slightly immune to bullets.
Will drop dead in the presence Cheese Crackers
Stupid as shit
ODD Zombie
Super strength
Super fast
Totally immune to everything (except Insectosaurus toys)
Able to totally pwn everything
This one's smarter than dear ol' Albert himself
ODDBOARD predicts that the zombie invasion will occur at approximately 2015, so it is important to pass this guide down to the next generation so that they can survive. ODDBOARD believes that a certain gas known as the Cyrusus Suksors will be released by crazed anarchists and 9/10 of the world's population will mutate into zombies. 60% will become classic zombies, 39.9% modern zombies, and a mere 0.1% as ODD zombies. Still, 0.1% is around... 6 million people. There willl be six million ODD zombies. The world will be doomed. But if you follow completely this tutorial, you might have a chance to survive!
Survivor Classes
There are different types of survivors. You will have to choose one specialty.
The Melee-Everything-Around Survivor
As the name suggests, the Melee-Everything-Around Survivor melees everything around. A Zombie's rage will overcome his ability to think, and the zombie will simply rush at you to either bite you (Classic Zombies do this) or hit you (Modern Zombies). At this, you will have to deliver a sharp shove or stab with your knife to any zombies approaching you at dangerous distances. The zombie will rear back, and it will give the other exterminating survivors a chance to kill it.
The Slinger
This survivor is adept at killing zombies with great speed and accuracy. A single projectile to a weak point of the Zombie can end it's reign of terror immediately. The only problem is that the Slinger will have to employ virtually every drop of concentration to have a steady shot. The survivor will have no time to defend itself from Zombie attacks.
The Marksman
A simple survivor with a gun. Although not as efficient at killing Zombies as the Slinger, this bugger will be able to keep Zombies at a distance away, while also able to defend him or herself at close combat.
The WTFBBQ Survivor
This survivor will run into the middle of a Zombie crowd just to attract attention. Very useful if a diversion is needed. This survivor is crazy.
The Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates Survivor
It is recommended that you do not become this survivior...
Formations
Two people - The Duo of Death
One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, One(1) Marksman
Travel side by side
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect the Marksman
Marksman must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans.
Three People - The Steadies
One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, Two(2) Marksman
Travel in Triangle formation.
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect the two Marksmen
Marksmen must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans.
Four People - The Quadruple of Steadies
One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, One(1) Marksman, Two(2) Slingers
Travel in Square formation
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect everyone. Yeah, everyone.
Marksmen must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans. Maybe shoot a survivor if he or she is being bitchy.
Five People - The LOL Gang
Five(1) Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates survivors.
No formation, just shoot everything that moves.
More than five people - The LOLx2 Gang
Everyone become WTFBBQ survivor. You're sure to make it through the day with that many diversions.
The Classic Zombie is surprisingly immune to Cheese Crackers, but it is still very slow, and can be easily taken out by a chainsaw. The chainsaw must slice directly perpendicular to the ground, and through the neck, taking out various blood vessels that transport the Cyrusus Suksors molecules. This will instantly kill a Classic Zombie, but there are more efficient ways to do the job. For instance, have you ever tried peanuts? If you are any good at throwing things, you might want to consider becoming a Slinger in the Zombie Times. A peanut straight to the left eye of a zombie can short out the pupil, which is the main storage space of the Cyrusus Suksors molecules. The zombie has a 100% chance of going unconscious on the spot. It also has a 0.01% chance to revert back to a human mind. This only works on the Classic Zombies.
Another way to kill Classic Zombies is to slap them where it hurts most - that's right - on their knee! The Classic Zombie's bones are rather awkwardly arranged. Slapping them on the knee will immediately create a jolt to the arm that is awkwardly connected to the knee. The arm will then whip back, smashing the Zombie's eye and shorting out the pupil. This is by far the lousiest way to kill a Classic Zombie. This is the best way.
Act like a zombie and groan in a zombie-like way. Male zombies will believe that you are a female zombie and they will kill each other to get you. They don't go for the real female zombies because the real female zombies sux. Once they all gather around you, whip out a chainsaw and BRUM BRUM BRUMMM those bastards!
A Modern Zombie is a much more challenging opponent, he will need to be dealt with extra strong Cheese Crackers. Each extra strong Cheese Cracker will act as a single WTFBBQ survivor, it will cause a great great awesome awesome WTFBBQ diversion when thrown. The Zombies will kill each other for a bite, LOL!
If you see an ODD Zombie... just turn into Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates survivors. You will
1) Slow the ODD Zombie by a few seconds
2) Kill your teammates and save them a whole lot less pain
3) Empty your gun so that the next survivor that picks it up can't use it. It's YOUR gun, why let anybody else shoot it?
OK, that's all for today, folks! Any questions, leave a comment! Thank you for reading The Oddboard Guide to Surviving a Zombie Invasion! Have a great time surviving!
P.S.
Everything here is purely fictional. If there is a real Zombie Invasion, eat brocolli. Broccoli, broccolie, broco roco rico pie!