Diary of LaLoLeh - Part 2
February the 10th I think
I think I have a talent in maths. Not only was I able to score full marks for all my maths exams, I even found mathematics so interesting that I finished two exercise books. My mathematics teacher almost killed me for that. We’re supposed to finish the books over a span of two years. Today I found out that not only did one of my best friends, Ryan, rat on me and scream to the teacher that I had copied for my Japanese test, but he even had the cheek to tell me that it was “for my own good”, that moronic sack of shit.
February the 11th
I had nightmares last night. They involved the safety of my dead insect collection. Some meanie named Meanie (don’t ask me how I knew the meanie’s name was Meanie) walked into the house and simply stepped on them. Their guts spattered out. I was horrified. I woke up around 3am. I couldn’t sleep, so I doubled 2s in my head because it made me feel calmer. I got to 33,554,432, which is 2 to the power of 25, which was not very much because I had gotten to 2 to the power of 45 before, but my brain wasn’t working very well last night.
February the 12th
Mr and Mrs Tan killed my one of my pet insects, Scruffy the Mosquito. I think I’m scared of them, because if they can kill Scruffy, they certainly can kill me. I think I’m going to run away.
February the 13th
I ran away from Mr and Mrs Tan. I grabbed all my valuables including my special cassette tape with 24 different voices saying: Hi. First I asked for directions to the train station. I need to go to the train station. I think one of my distant relatives, a second uncle of my aunt’s first nephew twice removed lives around Johor. I think he’s a eunuch. Anyhow the woman I was asking told me to follow the jeep with white stripes. I saw it and I started to run because jeeps go really fast and if you can’t keep up then it’s actually pointless to run with it, but you never know if you can keep up and so I tried keeping up and I found that I was able to. I ignored the pain in my chest and legs 15 minutes later by finding the SIN of every number I saw to the power of 13, but this method proved to be inefficient as I soon realized that it had led me to following the wrong jeep. I think the jeep I followed led me to some sort of sugar cane field, which is where I am now. I think I am close to the train station though. I just saw a sign that said: Train Station, only 150 miles away. One mile is three steps, isn’t it?
February the 15th
Sorry I skipped a day, I was captured by some pompous arse soldier who brought me to some police station where there were people called Kempeitai, but I escaped as easily as muffins by running away as soon as they had their back to me. As you know, I ran with a jeep so I should be able to run away from some fat-legged freaks. I hid in a shed and found an old radio player that is still able to play and I am hearing my special limited edition cassette tape as we speak. The friendliness of the word ‘hi’ is just so touching.
February the 16th
This small little girl crept into the shed and started irritating me so much that I wanted to hit her. She kept shouting: Gagagagagagagagaga. I swear, it was the most annoying thing my ears had ever had the experience of hearing. I wanted to kill it, but I knew my father would not like that as it is wrong to hurt a girl. But I almost couldn’t stop myself, so I took my father’s advice and I took in 50 deep breaths and did cubes of the cardinal numbers as I counted, like this: 1, 8, 27, 64, 125, 216, 343, 512, 729, 1000, 1,331, 1,728, 2,197, 2,744, 3,375, 4,096, 4,913… etc. That made me feel more calm and I simply chucked the girl out of the shed and shut the door.
February the 17th
I think this shed is haunted. All I here at night is “GETT OUTTTTTTT”. I think it must be that stupid farmer who has been trying to chase me out of this darned little shed.
February the 18th
Darn this shed. I just migrated from this shed to another shack nearer to the train station. It has better quality hay, and I think the carrots are more crunchier. The only bad thing is that there is a stupid freaking donkey in this shack! It poos RIGHT NEXT TO ME at night. Although it’s not ON me, it’s still possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve seen so far in my life. Boo to donkey poo.
February the 19th
I think… this shack sucks. I should be migrating soon.
February the 20th
Today is my father’s birthday, I shall stand silent in remembrance of him.
Wait, was it my father or my mother’s birthday.
February the 21st
Some girl came into the shack today. I think she’s the farmer’s daughter. Man, is she hot. I asked her for her address. She said just down the field, in the red house. She also told me her name was Abiba. I should visit her sometime.
February the 22nd
I had my first kiss today. It was possibly the most wet kiss on earth. Abiba was drinking from the water trough and her lips glistened so much I just had to plant a kiss on her. And she kissed me back and it was wet as shit. ……………………. Yuck.
February the 23rd
I think this shack has become haunted as well. I think Abiba read this diary and she read about the wet kiss thing and now shes hissing “get out” every second of every bloody hour. I shall have to migrate to another place. I hear the Japanese are opening new public toilets around the Death Railway. I think I’ll take a look their. Public toilets are hard to find.
February the 24th
I am sick and tired of this life. A dog just chased me half a mile to this desolate place. I have no idea where this desolate place is. Looks like the middle of a battlefield. Big patch of free land. Lots of barricades. Hm.
February the 26th
That really was a battlefield. As soon as I finished writing that stupid entry someone fired a cannon and the cannonball whizzed past my ear. I think I’m deaf in my right ear now. I’m hiding in this small hole, still in the middle of the battlefield. I can’t get to sleep, the Japanese and the British are at it hammer and tongs, firing flares every 5 minutes and shooting guns and singing songs. The British are wailing this stupid song. I have no idea what this song is called, but I know it involved these 4 words as they repeated it over and over again: WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!! The Japanese were singing something about how handsome General Yamashita looks. It was one of the most terrible nights I had to endure in my whole life.
February the 27th
I just ran out of water in my waterbottle. Also the special carrot I had been saving is now gone.
February the 28th
The British are now shouting about how Prince Charming walloped off the head of some evil demon and the Japanese are still shouting about how handsome General Yamashita looks. If I get through this, I shall personally see to it that he is stripped of every single ounce of handsomeness he has.
February the 29th
A rabbit dug straight into my hole. Rabbit skin is pretty tough to chew huh?
February the 30th
Found a squashed banana in my pocket. Had a couple of maggots in it so I ate those too.
March the 1st
Welcome to the new month.
March the 2nd
Welcome to the 2nd day of the new month. Finally the fighting has stopped. The last things I heard were:
NOOO PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!! (sounded like some malay)
“Hm! You fight against us, and you don’t want to die? DIE!
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Haha just kidding.”
*pants heavily*
“Actually no.”
*Some stabbing sounds occur, specks of blood and gore fly into my hole, these are quite tasty as well*
March the 3rd
I am running low on pen ink. I need to find a new pen as quickly as possible.
March the 6th
Found a pen in Adnan bin Saidi’s pocket. His flesh is a bit rotten now but it was still edible over the fire.
March the 7th
Just realized it wasn’t his pen, but a pencil. CURSES!
March the 8th
The stupid pencil broke. And now I’m back to this darned pen which is almost out of ink. I think it’s gonna be pretty tough to get a nice working pen. See you when I do, diary.
P.S
Stupid pen is OFFICIALLY out of in
