Your Oddboard Guide To LIFE!
The simple steps to a happy existence.
Hello and welcome to the first series of the OddBoard Guide to life! Most people think of life as a series of ups and downs, a maze you have to complete before the finishing line. Well, it's more complicated than that.
Here is your tutorial to a single happy and meaningful day.
1) Get the hell outta bed.
2) Brush your teeth.
3) Eat your breakfast.
4) Go to Oddboard to have a good read.
5) Eat your lunch.
6) Learn how to do the mambo.
7) Eat your dinner.
8) Say your prayers.
9) Get the hell into bed.
Ever had your parents keeping your allowance or grounding you? Well, Oddboard shows you a few tricks on how to annoy the crap outta them!
1) Bury your father's Honda. Tell him the dog did it.
2) Donate your brother's body to the Science New Species Research Centre.
3) Speak in acronyms.
4) Take your sofa for a walk.
5) Mow the carpet.
6) Paint the windows.
7) Dial 911... breath heavily.
8) Take apart all the major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.
9) Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Want to be generally irritating? Here are your tips!
1) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically when they answer.
2) Finish all your sentences with a "In accordance with the prophecy".
3) Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Sing along at the opera.
5) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
6) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
7) Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8) Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
9) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
10) Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
11) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
13) Turn on your Caps forever.
14) Did someone ask to lend your book? Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
15) Leave tips in bolivian currency.
16) Never break eye contact.
17) As people talk, smell their shoulders.
18) Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
19) Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
20) Talk to yourself consistently when someone else is speaking to you.
21) Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father."
22) Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school.
23) Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper.
24) Call every girl you know "dude".
25) Throw the paper back at the newspaper guy.
26) Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
And that concludes the Oddboard Guide to Life Issue #1!
