Diary of LaLoLeh part 5
April the 7th
Hey yo. Let me tell you exactly what happened yesterday.
I woke up in my bed (well, it’s more of a cot), and I went to brush my teeth (remember kids, brush ‘em everyday). When I looked in the mirror, I caught the reflection of the window. What was outside the window? A pretty little bird! I went to take a look at it. It was chirping and chirping. It seemed extremely agitated. I caught some jumbled up words from its chirping. They included “bombs”, “shells” “bloodandgore”, “Japan”, “suicideplanes” and “Dai Ze”. I have no idea what the last one meant, but I was sure it was a sign of some sort. I got annoyed with the bird and I gave it a punch. My fist went right through! It was a ghost bird… NOT! I actually punched it and it flew down the window but my punch wasn’t strong enough and it simply flew away.
So I walked out of the house to the JI Head Quarters, and guess what? I saw something dropping from the sky. My first thought was “THE SKY IS FAAALLIIING!!!!”
My second thought was “THE CLOUDS ARE FAAALLIIING!!!!”
My third thought was “THE JAPANESE ARE BOMBING US!!!!”
My fourth thought was “IT’S ALMOND DAY AND THEY’RE SCATTERING ALMONDS EVERYWHERE!!!!”
Unfortunately, I decided to follow my fourth thought, and ran around the streets, trying to catch the falling thing. The falling thing became bigger. It was only then I remembered my lesson on Perspective in school and I remembered that things that were far away are smaller than things that are nearer to you and I gasped as the realization hit me. IT’S THE BIGGEST ALMOND IN THE WORLD, my heart screamed with joy. As I ran towards the spot where I thought it would fall, I realized that the almond was actually kind of metallic-like. So, it’s a bit spoilt. Then I noticed that the almond was actually shaped more one of those atomic bombs. So they were creative and made it into that shape. Then I actually noticed it was a bomb and everybody was screaming and running into shelters. So… it’s a bomb.
It’s at these moments that time actually stops and you can stop to observe your surroundings. The heat was nearly suffocating me. The screams and shouts were not very appealing to my ears, so I shut them off with my hands. The bomb looked oh-so-frightening to me, a big dark thing traveling towards me at the speed of the speed that it was traveling. It came closer… and closer… the dark oval/O shaped front ready to smash straight into my face. Then I noticed there were two words by the side: Dai Ze. DAI ZE!
Seeing these two words gave me strength. It gave me the sort of knowing that everything was actually alright and that I was on an adventure. DAI ZE! WOAH! With this new confidence, I spun to the nearest bomb shelter.
So the place was bombed, blah blah blah. I still lived, as you can see. But I knew I had to find this place, this person or this thing codenamed Dai Ze. It sounded Chinese to me. Chinese names, Chinese places, I thought. I will look everywhere for Dai Ze.
April the 8th
Turns out that Dai Ze was actually a boy from a school nearby. I read about him in the police records that I stole from the Police Station. This is the report:
Name: Dai Ze (Surname unknown)
Age: 13
Medical issues: Been called mentally retarded by schoolmates, but in fact he is actually just born slow. Slow is still kind of retarded I think…
Description: Very lively boy. Has a tendency to shriek and shout “I KILL YOU”. Gets very worked up when said to follow the game show “S-Factor”. Retarded.
Crimes committed: Scolding and attacking a police officer who bumped into the boy while he was playing the game “Catch the Duck” on an electronic device. Extremely oily face. If you could immerse his skin in Malaya’s landscape, you’d solve Malaya’s oil problems forever.
Hm.
April the 9th
This boy is BLOODY RETARDED. Spied on him during lesson. Got bullied by pretty much all his classmates, including a boy named Job who constantly smacks his ass.
April the 10th
I have confronted Dai Ze and I have asked him if he knew anything about me or about the signs that I have received. He gave me a retarded face, said “What” in a retarded manner and raced off, attempting to perform a cart wheel while running down the stairs (Failed miserably, of course).
April the 11th
I have not given up my investigation, despite the obvious disappointment yesterday. There cannot be two same signs on the same day! It’s just not coincidental! I will never give up until I find the truth! But perhaps I’ll go for a tiger beer.
April the 20th
Had some of the bartender’s “Special Concoction”. Got knocked out almost immediately. Turns out that he had added some special Knock-Out-Powder to the concoction named the “Dai Ze” powder. Another sign! Time to continue my investigation.
April the 21st
Holy crap! Holy CRAP! I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE SIGNS MEAN! LET ME EXPLAIN.
Dai Ze was meant to be the savior. He was meant to rise above all his schoolmates. He was meant to have special powers! His awesomely slow mind gave him a special condition that allowed him to have super strength and laser/Xray eyes, and the ability to fly. WTF! I found this out by asking him. He was reading aloud from the book “Superman”… Oh… it’s another red herring. Damn.
April the 22nd
No bloody idea how Dai Ze could ever be associated with me. I took him aside today, strung him to a chair and threatened to remove his head from his shoulders with a chain-saw unless he told me the truth.
Me: TELL ME THE TRUTH!
Dai Ze: What you want…
Me: TELL ME THE TRUTH!
Dai Ze: I very stressed…
Me: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME THE TRUTH!
Dai Ze: *shrieks*
Me: …
Dai Ze: *shrieks again*
I give up.
April the 23rd
I have gotten back the results. Mas Selamat’s father (Sam Melamat) says that I have great potential to be a JI leader! But first I have to complete this JI course to get INTO JI. Starts next week.
April the 24th
Gosh, Abiba’s arrived in Johor! She’s asked me to come see her tomorrow at the coffee shop! Yeah!
April the 25th
Today was a disaster. I have no wish to talk about it. And don’t ask about that black kiss mark on my cheek either. Shut up diary! NO YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP! I AM TEARING THIS PAGE OFF IF YOU DON’T BLOODY SHUT UP!
April the 26th
Well, I woke up today an WTF DIARY, did you just make a tear in the page? While I was writing! Are you giving me attitude? I know A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 100%, BUT SRSLY YOU GOTTA STOP THIS. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM! I write stuff, you just be good and hold your paper together! And you couldn’t even do that! Hell, I can’t even recall waking up this morning now.
April the 27th
Okay… okay… okay… good, you aren’t tearing. You know what happened today diary? Do you remember what day it was today? That’s right, it was day one of my JI course. Now do you know what happened? Of course you don’t, you weren’t there. Guess what happened? First they put us through this physical fitness test. My results:
Sit and Reach: 3CM
Inclined pull-ups: 1 in 30 seconds
0.05km run: 10 minutes
Standing broad jump: 34CM
Sit-ups: 2 in 1 minute
Shuttle-run: 4 minutes (covering a distance of 5m (2.5m for each beanbag))
I got a gold.
Then they put us through the “Adventure playground from hell”
10 KILOMETRE SPRINT TO THE FIRST OBSTACLE
FIRST OBSTACLE: CLIMB A SHEER WALL OF HEIGHT 100 METRES
SPRINT 5 KILOMETRES TO THE SECOND OBSTACLE
SECOND OBSTACLE: MUST SUCCESSFULLY PUSH A 165 TON ELEPHANT OFF A BUILDING, AND DRINK THE BLOOD
SPRINT 15 KILOMETERES TO THE THIRD OBSTACLE
THIRD OBSTACLE: eat an icecream
I was below the height limit for this course though. The height limit was 180cm and I was 157cm. They allowed me to skip everything and go straight to the third obstacle.
And that was it! I was in JI! And guess who my senior was, one of the members of parliament? Yeah, that’s right! Dai Ze! CURSES! I attended one of the parliament meetings and he was practically shrieking every second. “What do you think of this plan, Dai Ze?” *SHRIEK* “So you agree with the plan? *SHRIEK* “Well, Dai Ze, if that’s what you think, proceed with this plan immediately!”
…Wtf.
