Singapore's best book!
Singapore's own Mr. LaLoLeh has written a book, that, amazingly, has reached an all time best-selling record in the world. To give you an idea of what the book is about and whether you should buy the real thing or not, we have condensed the whole book right here!
The Diary of LaLoLeh
His experiences and sufferings
1930s or 1940s, September something, I’ve lost track of the date
The Japanese have invaded Malaysia. I am frightened that they will come to Singapore. The British have been stupid enough to build the naval defense on the east side of Singapore. Or is it the west? I have no freaking idea. Anyway, it’s definitely not on the north side where the Japanese will/may come. Or is it the south side? I have no freaking idea. My friend in Malaysia has sent me a letter. I shall copy its contents into this journal.
Omg the Japanese are on my ass! They said that they’ll be pwning Singapore after they import all the girls back to Japan to sell for slaves. LaLoLeh, this is the last time I will ever write to you again! I will remember the times that we used to throw stones at that stupid little boy who acted like he was king. I will remember the times that you and I played together in the mud, drawing nasty pictures and comments of our families. I will remember all the happy times we had together. Or maybe I won’t, because I’ll be dead a minute or so. They’ve chosen the gallows for me it seems. Farewell, my friend.
And so long you feisty bastard. You freaking stole my teddy bear you know. I will never forgive you for that.
The day after the day that I wrote the entry about my friend in Malaysia
Rumors have spread that the Japanese are already on their way to Singapore, pumping their fat legs on bicycles. I am freaking scared that they will first come to my home, because my father is a soldier in the British army and he has killed a Japanese soldier and the Japanese soldier’s brother (or father, I’m not sure) swore revenge on our family. Oh noes!
The day after the day I wrote about the rumors of the Japanese coming to Singapore on bikes
The Japanese have set up an artillery base just on the border of Singapore. They are shelling the country almost every hour, and I just can’t get enough time to write a good entry before the explosions start and screams are heard. I hope I will get enough time to write a good entry n--
The same day after the day I wrote about the rumors of the Japanese coming to Singapore on bikes.
I hope I will get enough time to write a good entry now. Sorry about that, my stupid house blew up and I had to run for a hole I dug in the ground yesterday. I hope they won’t bomb this hole too. The stupid Japanese have even destroyed the Statue of Singapore. Now Lim Bo Seng is gonna get really pissed. And we all know what happens when Lim Bo Seng is pissed. He cuts our food rations.
The next day after the shelling of Singapore
The Japanese have stopped shelling us. I think they know that our defenses are already too damn weak to withstand even one of their soldiers coming in with a handgun. And that’s what they did. They sent one man into Singapore, dressed as a British soldier. He said: Hello everyone. Where are the bloody toilets?
He was trying to fake a British accent, but almost everyone saw through his disguise. Including me. I threw this diary at his face, and while he was writhing in pain, my father emerged from his hole and kicked at his buttocks. “Get your ass back to Japan!” he shouted. He took my diary (this book) and he threw it back into my arms. “Good job, my lad,” he said. That was when the Japanese soldier threw up his arms, revealing C4 under his armpits. My father muttered a swear word before blowing up to smithereens. I am proud that he died such a great death.
The day after my father dies
The Tans have taken me in as their child. The Tans consist of Mr. and Mrs. Tan, and their daughter Amy. They have fed me what food they could afford and they have even made for me a small little pendant bearing my name. I am overjoyed.
The Japanese have taken over the north side of Singapore. They have set up a FREAKING HUGE air base there. I sneaked in and counted at least 200 suicide planes. 200 is the number after 3 right? I’m not really good at numbers.
The day after the Tans take me in
Mr. Tan has been killed. Apparently he became greedy, and decided to try steal some rice from the Granary. A crow pecked his eye while he was grabbing a bag of rice, and he yowled out in pain. This pretty much blew his cover and also died by the Japanese hands. He did mutter a swear word too, so I guess he died a noble death.
The day after Mr. Tan dies
The British has surrendered to the Japanese. I hate the British. They are too sissy for their own good. If I were the British commander, I’d invite the Japanese commander over for a chat. I would treat him to some good wine. I would make him drink more. I would get all the prostitutes I can find to seduce the Japanese commander. Once he had lowered his guard, I would have KNIFED HIM! But that would be a spur-of-the-moment move. Actually I would just get him to sign a surrender form. A Japanese Surrender form. Maybe ask him to sign me a recommendation for President of the United States. And ask him to kill Bush. And kill that Barack Obama too, I think he has potential to become the next president.
The day after the British surrendered to the Japanese
I have been enrolled in the new Japanese school down the alley. Today was my first day, and it was the best day of my life! First lesson was Japanese Language Arts lesson. I irritated the teacher so much by giggling to myself: Nippon Paint, hehehehe! I repeated that line approximately 34 times before he broke down and killed himself. Next, for art lesson, they asked us all to draw a dog, and asked us to name it as well. I drew a mutt with dirty and saggy features, and I named it Yamashita. ROFL!! I got a big whip mark across my buttocks for that, but all is well. Next was a lesson on the Japanese History. We had to memorize the words of the Nippon anthem. They were testing us one by one. When it came to my turn, I sang the opera. I lost my manhood for that, but all is well… I guess…
The day after I went to my first day at school
I made a friend at school today. Her name is AhLian. She’s so hot, I would have probably been steaming so much it would have just shot outta my trousers, but without my manhood, I guess all I can do is be friends with her. Sigh…
The day after I made a friend at school
OMGOMG! I LOST MY DIARY!!! WHERE IS IT?!?!?!?!?! WHERE THE SHIT IS IT?! I SPENT DUNNO HOW MANY DAYS WRITING IT, AND NOW IT’S GONE!! IT’S… oh I’m writing on it right now.
The day after I “lost” my diary
I did so well at my exams that my Japanese teacher secretly snuck a television into my house. The first program I watched was: The Japanese History. The second was: Japan – The place of a million smiles! The third was: All hail Yamashita. IS THAT BITCH TRYING TO CONVERT MY MIND INTO A JAPANESE PIECE OF SHIT BY EDUCATING ME WITH JAPANESE TELEVISION? DOES SHE REALLY THINK SHE CAN TURN ME INTO A BRAINLESS FOOL LIKE THAT? FREAK THAT SLUT! IM GOING TO KILL HER. IM GOING TO KILL HER!
The day after I received a television set
General Yamashita is such an interesting man. I think the Japanese life is extremely luxurious. I hope to travel to Japan soon.
This is only the first part of the book. There is more to come.
What are you waiting for? Buy the real thing now!
