Oddboard
Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Part TWO of the Story of Swudiwudipudipong

I decided to become a private detective. It is simple logic. Since I myself have a mystery to solve (everyone around me dies somehow). And since I can’t hire a private detective myself, they’d just die in a gruesome fashion. No, to me it seemed best to BECOME the solution. Do you understand, you fools? BECOME THE SOLUTION. This is true brilliance.

To become a private detective, I needed to have training. I found a Private Detective Instruction Manual from Google (All hail google). I shall show it to you here.

Barney’s How To Be A Detective Guide

This is a tutorial by the ultimate purple dinosaur, Barney. In here you will learn the secrets and ways of a Private Detective. Also check out my latest books, How To Make Friends, How To Be A Loyal Friend, How To Be Kind, How To Make Friendship Bands, and How To Make Explosives.

These are the TOP 10 RULES FOR THE PRIVATE DETECTIVE

1) NEVER EVER say Barney sux, cause he’s awesome.
2) NEVER EVER watch Hi-5, they’re just stealing my show ideas.
3) NEVER EVER listen to Miley Cyrus, she’s an untalented whore.
4) NEVER EVER listen to the Jonas Brothers either, they’re a bunch of uncreative fags.
5) When meeting a client, always always ALWAYS be rude. Your client will then dislike you, and will want you to finish the job quickly, which will provide motivation for you. You will be able to solve the case very very quickly. SIMPLE!
6) Wtf… 6th rule only? Shit… err… never talk with your mouth full.
7) Oh peanut butter sandwich, there’s a 7th rule too?! Uhh, never ever… eat biscuits. They’re… uh… bad for health.
8) LOOK, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES? IT’S SIMPLE TO BE A PRIVATE DETECTIVE JUST… EAT PURPLE JELLY EVERYDAY AND YOU WILL EVENTUALLY GROW TO BE AS SMART AS ME!

Now we shall proceed on. The term “Private Detective” generally refers to this:

DETECTIVE = DET = Deers Eat Trees
PRIVATE = PRI = Pee Red Ink

As you can see, the first three initials of each word forms the conclusion that when a deer eats a tree, it will pee red ink. Great leaping salamanders of fire! Such a great discovery! Now how does this relate to detection, you wonder? I don’t quite know, but it seemed to be a cool thing to put into the manual!

Now to Solve the Mystery, you have to start from the Core of the Problem.

Ok, this is what I need to read. Gonna help me solve the mystery.

What is the Problem?

The problem is that everything around me gets splattered, spiked, slashed, impaled or zapped.

Now what is the Core of that problem?

… What is the core?

You ask me I ask who?

… HEY YOU’RE A BOOK HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU COMMUNICATE TO WHAT I SAY?

That’s right! Now that you have the core of the problem, it is time to eliminate it!

But I don’t have the core of the problem yet… How do I eliminate it?

Yes, you read right, eliminate the core! How will we do this?

Ok, so you’re not really answering me.

You ask me I ask who? Ok lah, this is how we will eliminate the core.

WTF IS THE CORE OF MY PROBLEM YOU BITCH?!

If you still haven’t figured out what the core of your problem is, you are dumb. Look at it this way, ok? Look at your problem… write a composition on the problem… count the words, divide it by 5, plus 8 and divide by 3. There is an index page on the book of this book that will show you the core of your problem based on your final number.

I wrote a long composition of about 35 words. I divided it by 5, plus-ed it by 8 and divided it by 3. I got 1619. I think I better use a calculator.

(35/5)+8
________

3

5. Let’s check the index page shall we?

1. The core of your problem is that you have no mother
2. The core of your problem is that your mother has no hair on her head
3. The core of your problem is that you have a spontaneous erection (*sorry, my squeamish friends*)
4. The core of your problem is that you like to drink toothpaste
5. The core of your problem is that you cannot find the core of the problem


Oh, so that’s the core of my problem? That I can’t find the core of the problem? WHAT THE BONG, YOU DASTARDLY BOOK. But I shall read on, this is interesting.

Now that you have the core of your problem (finally, you dumb muppet), it is time to eliminate it! Write the core down on a piece of paper, buy one of those Japanese Katanas from any nearby convenience store, write the word “Elimination” by the side of the blade and run it through the piece of paper! The core will be eliminated and we can proceed to the next step!

Basically, the mystery is shown in the following complex scientific equation.

4 + 6 + 3 = 13

Or, in simple English,

Cos[x]=1 - (x^3)/3! + (x^5)/5! - (x^7)/7! + (x^9)/9! - (x^11)/11!

It basically symbolizes that the problem, core of the problem and [Pi (subtracting integer of Cos[x])] is equal to the Mystery. Since we already have the problem and the core, it is time to find the [Pi (subtracting integer of Cos[x])],or PISS (pronounced PIE-SS) for short. How do we find PISS, you ask? I’m going to show you right now.

Take that same composition, divide it by 8, add 6 and divide it by 4. Turn to the index page behind the previous index page. Read your answer.

(35/8) + 6
_________

4

The calculator showed 2.59375. I turned to the index page behind the previous index page. It took up about half the book. Here it is.

1.112528 : Fries are fried.
1.112631 : Houseflies are the pinnacle of all hope.
1.312542 : Calculators are the epitome of justice.
1.354653 : Oddboard is Odd and Sandwiches.
1.465145 : Fairprice is fair but not price.
1.65578 : Live long and prosper (\\\///)
1.70087 : Make crime pay – become a lawyer
1.76596 : If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make it bambidextrous?
1.88825 : Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
1.98234 : When life gives you lemons… make lemon juice.
2.25743 : Your momma’s so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed the first season of Lost.
2.42552 : The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
2.59375 : A pair of succulent chicken wings sautéed in a saltwater solution.

There’s a lot more, but obviously it wouldn’t fit here. A pair of succulent chicken wings… sautéed in a saltwater solution… I just don’t get it. Honestly, this book is full of crap. OK, let’s read on.

Take your answer to Mr. Google. There’s one at every street.

I do happen to know that there is a Mr. Google living at house number 8. I went to visit him. I told him the answer. And the problem. And the core.

“A pair of succulent chicken wings sautéed in a saltwater solution… that could refer to the incident of the great Chicken Galore in 1915. Once upon a time, there was a dude by the name of Sam Fisher. He had an ordinary life until a chicken came up to him and pecked him. He kicked the chicken with such force that it flew for thousands of miles before landing in a ditch full of saltwater. It lay partially submerged for a few days until a man came over, saw it, and ate it. His being mutated into the shape of a giant rooster, and whenever he COCKADOODADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ed, he would excrete chickens. And chickens overpopulated the earth.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m not finished, you dope. The world ate chickens everyday. They feasted and feasted and feasted and feasted. Chickens were selling at a single cent each, and some shops even gave them away free. And as time went by the chickens became aggressive and they ate up the pigs and cows and they became even more mutated and they gave birth to fatter chickens and everyone had more chicken. It was terrible.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I’m not finished, you dope. Everyone longed for a piece of bacon or pork. And so, one day, a secret farm somewhere in Nevada sent out the BLOODY HUGE TRUCK FULL OF BACON. They had been secretly breeding cows in their private farm. A single slice of bacon would cost more than a million dollars since it was so rare, and even the President of the United States only had the pleasure of eating a morsel of bacon once a year. Even the BLOODY HUGE TRUCK FULL OF BACON was not BLOODY HUGE enough to feed the whole world. And everyone wanted to breed cows, but the CHICKENS would not have any of it. They would peck any cows or pigs to death. And it was terrible. And so ODDcorps (they were the global police force at that time) decided that they would have to contain the overpopulation of chickens. They sent out a total of 16500 teams of 16 to maintain a healthy balance of livestock. Each team carried four CHICKENBUSTERS. A CHICKENBUSTER is similar to the Ghost Trap carried by the legendary ghost busters. Except that it sucks in chickens instead of ghosts. The ODDcorps teams went all over the world, placing the CHICKENBUSTERS everywhere. And thus the situation was contained, but ever since, there have been rumours of the Chicken Curse spreading. Basically, your problem is similar to the symptoms of the Chicken Curse. Many people have had similar symptoms, but none as serious as yours. It appears that you have advanced to a new stage and you are still advancing. Soon, Swudiwudipudipong, the chicken pandemic will strike again. A much more stronger and aggressive breed of chicken will appear. And you will be the cause of it!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Oh boy, Barney’s sent me another dumb one… OK, look. You have the Chicken Curse, OK? It begins with the symptom of people around you dying. People usually have only around 2 people around them dying, but you have more than 4. The Curse in you will advance to Stage Two, where you will suddenly become addicted to sandwiches.”

“Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about! Say, you don’t happen to have any sandwiches about, do you?”

“OK, now you will advance on to the third stage. You will take a curious liking to watching apes eat bananas.”

“And what’s the next stage?”

“You will begin to put chicken into your sandwich.”

“And what’s the next stage?”

“The next stage… you will transform into a mutant rooster and you will excrete chickens, and the overpopulation-of-chicken-crisis will occur again.

“Is there any way I can save myself from transforming and save the world from the overpopulation-of-chicken-crisis?

“You will have to travel to Spacey Mountain to meet the Space Cats. These cats hail from outer space, and they are currently living in… Spacey Mountain. You will have to drink their brain juice to restrict the transforming process until scientists can find a cure.”

“What? Brain juice? Is there another way?”

“You could travel to Spacey City underground to fight the evil space cats that hail from evil outer space. If you are victorious in the battle, the King of Space Cats will give you a wish. You could use that wish to get rid of the Curse.”

“What? Fight evil space cats? Is there another way?”

“You could find regular cats and turn them into space cats by giving them goldfish glass bowls to put on their heads. They will be so pleased that they will refer you to the Space Cat King. You can get a wish from him and- ”

“These solutions are stupid! Isn’t there anything else?”

“How about Space Cats?”

“Space Cats?? That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that before?”

And so, with the spirit of adventure in me, I packed my gear and got ready to meet the SPACE CATS!





This must be my longest post ever.