Thursday, October 9, 2008
Shocking News about Meat!
Not long ago, most of our meat was handled by butchers in local supermarkets and meat shops. Now, our meat is handled by bastuds who have no idea what they're doing. Last time, the butchers left the meat in the fridge to keep it nice and flavorful. Now, the bastuds piss on our meat, thinking that the acid would perhaps preserve the meat.
Of course, many people are insensitive to this, and unaware of what exactly the bastuds are doing. The bastuds not only piss on the meat, they inject rat poison into it and preserve it a tank full of chlorine gas. Disgusting, but really tasty! The bastud's style of preserving meat is by far the most unique way! Our meat has become full of piss and poisonous gas, and this has made the meat more plump, juicy and tender!
How to be a smart meat shopper
First, you must inspect every piece of meat. If it smells sour and rank, it's the one you want! If it smells fresh and tasty, I discourage you to buy it, because I don't know. Next, you must question the assistants if the meat contains melamine, urine or rat poison. If the answer is yes, it is almost certainly the best meat you'll ever buy, but there are more checks to be done!
Go to the cashier, punch his or her face, and say this secret line, "You smell like a cockster." All cashiers know this secret line. The cashier will immediately take your meat to the meat room where he or she will inject a special unknown liquid called POISON into it, then add some extra melamine to give it more flavour. By now, the piece of meat would be looking extremely tasty and tender. Bring this haunch of meat home, cut it into 10cm by 10cm pieces, and eat it without cooking it! I assure you it will taste like heaven!
Now you know the secret to the meat of life! Have a great meal!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Four men arrested!Four middle-aged men have been arrested for stealing phones and cash from a mobile store yesterday. We do not care nuts about their feelings, so we will give you their details. You can only trust the Oddboard Times to acquire such accurate details.
Lao Hong Chia Lao Sai
aged 27
takes cocaine for breakfast
115cm tall.
(Some sort of strange body odour was oozing from his pants)
Lao Quay Kia
aged 24
takes heroine for lunch
8888888cm tall
(He is also suffering from minor concussion from banging his head onto the ceiling.)
Ni Nao Nia Kia
aged 25
takes crack for dinner
184cm tall
(He looks like a pig's asscrack)
Mr Hazmat Hamza
aged 83
he eats paper and drinks ink
155cm tall
(He died on the way to the police station of old age.)
The four men tried to get their girlfriends (for Mr Hazmat Hamza, his old nanny maid) to seduce the mobile phone shopkeeper to get him somewhere else so that their boyfriends (or employer) could steal the phones. Unfortunately, the girls were so horrendous looking that the shopkeeper turned green and rushed out of the shop to vomit blood.
The four girls had not expected this discouraging reaction, and they crawled into some holes to die.
The four men, however, were happy that the shopkeeper was out. They raped the store, until not a thing was left (not even the shelves). The four men even left a note, reading Ue guys sux nehhxzxzzx. They then, remarkably stupidly, called for a taxi. The taxi driver recalls their conversation.
[Mr Hazmat Hamza] Hello, kind sir, be so kind as to take us to Geylang Road 333. (Gives a flirty smile)
[Taxi Driver] Huh?! Say Again! I Got Hearing Problem Ah!
[Ni Nao Nia Kia] Take us to Geylang Road 333 please. (Gives a sexy gesture)
[Taxi Driver] Ohh! You want to go Geylang Road 333! Okay! I see you have alot of cash and phones! Did you just rob a mobile store ah?!
[Lao Hong Chia Lao Sai] Oh, you noticed! Of course we did! We're manly, aren't we? Yeah, baby! (Smacks his own ass)
[Taxi Driver] You suck, but let's hit the road, ladies!
By the time they reached home, they were greeted by the CIA, MI6, Singaporean and British police, as well as all the britney fans. The shopkeeper had obviously phoned the police, and the police had found out the location of these men from the taxi driver. They were all arrested for acting gay.
