Oddboard
Monday, March 30, 2009

Diary of LaLoLeh - Part 4

April the 1st

Happy first day of the month. Mas Selamat has changed his mind about being part of ASS (Association of Singaporean Soldiers). Now he wants to be part of the terrorist association COCK. He says it rhymes with his name. Like wtf, he fails at pronounciation.

April the 2nd

Now Mas Selamat has to go back to being the potential leader of JI. He says it's because his father, Sam Melamat, does not approve of him being part of any associations that help others. He says it's not honouring the way of the Malay Demons. "No malay demon son of mine is going to be part of those wimpy associations, ASS and COCK!" Mas Selamat quotes to me. Anyhow, I've told Mas Selamat about my manhood. I've shown him the stub and he says he knows a very powerful man that can restore it. Powerful how, I ask. He has powerful magic, says Mas Selamat. He can restore your cock in a mere five minutes. Mas Selamat has contacted him on my behalf for an appointment. Tomorrow's the day. I'm nervous.

April the 3rd

Mas Selamat brought me to a run-down place called Terabithia. He brought me to a run-down street named Terabithia. He brought me to a run-down building named Terabithia. I was taken to a room in this building named Terabithia. The healer's name? You guessed it. Bob. He was a very nice guy and he told me that it would take 10 minutes to restore a lost body part, and ten grand. Mas Selamat told him that if he didn't waive the fee, he might have to perform his magic on himself. It was a lousy threat, I think, but Bob sure did loosen his fee down to two coins and a kiss. Mas Selamat was told to go out of the room. I revealed the stub and the healer looked shocked. "Ohhhh, bless my soul! There is evil in this.. thing! I cannot restore it!" When I asked what evil there was, he said, "It's evil! I am a healer, I ought to know! I am sorry, but if I restore this thing, I will be releasing a terrifying spirit that will destroy the earth!" I had a look at the stub. Didn't look very evil to me. I told him that I would give him extra money. Two banana notes and one extra kiss. He agreed almost immediately. I sat down as he instructed and tried to meditate as he instructed. I tried to think about blue sparks and the Winx Club fairies, as he instructed. I thought of blue sparks. Cool, I thought. Then I thought of the Winx Club fairies. Cool, I thought. Then my stub magically stood up. "It's working!" Bob had said excitedly. The stub began to rise, rise, rise, rise. It rose to a height of 7 inches and a width of 2 inches before... hey presto, out sprung a new manhood. I was so happy. I planted two kisses on Bob's cheek and three kisses on my manhood (don't ask me how I reached) and I gave him Bob two banana notes and I rushed out and I hugged Mas Selamat and I was brimming with joy! Then Bob said that "it wasn't over". He said that the healing had not been fully successful and my manhood was liable to drop off if I didn't complete the ritual, which would cost another banana note. He asked me to sit for a further 5 minutes. This is exactly what I did in those 5 minutes:

0:00 - 0:10
Sat quietly thinking about NOTHING as Bob instructed
0:10 - 0:15
Couldn't help sneaking up a thought about those Winx Club Fairies
0:15 - 1:45
Erected the whole time. Bob thoroughly disapproved
1:45 - 2:45
Started sneaking out some thoughts about Mas Selamat being part of ASS and COCK. Couldn't help snickering for a minute. Bob thoroughly disapproved
2:45 - 2:46
Had a sudden pang of pleasure as my manhood shot up and shot back down. Weird, must have been part of the healing
2:46 - 2:47
It happened again!
2:47 - 2:48
And again!
2:48 - 3:25
My manhood suddenly inverted. Weird.
3:25 - 4:00
It stopped inverting and turned normal. I spent this 35 seconds counting my teeth.
4:00 - 4:05
Sneaked a hand into my pants and felt my manhood. No change.
4:05 - 5:00
Fell asleep

April the 4th

Since my manhood had returned, some local soldiers have come to this palace to enlist me as a soldier in ASS. I have declined their offer. Then some malay people came to offer me a spot at COCK. I declined their offer. Mas Selamat says it is wise to do this. He says I should wait for a parliament spot in JI. If you're in the JI parliament, you are allowed to have a free flow of Coke every meeting. Cool.

April the 5th

Mas Selamat's father came to give me a test. He said it was to prove if I was worthy enough for a position in the JI parliament. This is the test with the answers I put:

Multiple Choice Questions

1) You are trying to kill your sister. You...
A. Give up
B. Search for a possible way to kill your sister, but give up anyway
C. Rape your sister (no idea how this kills your sister, but whatever)
D. Give up again
E. Smash her head with a Jar of Almonds

2) You are attempting to kill a level position higher than you in JI so you can be promoted. You...
A. Offer the person poisonous almonds from the Jar of Almonds
B. Give up
C. Rape the person
D. Create mini black holes with the (This not only kills that person, it destroys the entire world! It's killing more than 6 billion birds with one stone!)
E. Stick the dude with a knife (Accidents happen)

3) You are trying to suicide-bomb yourself with the goal to destroy a building. The building is heavily guarded. You...
A. Give up
B. Search for a possible way in, but give up anyway
C. Become frustrated and ignite the C4 on the spot
D. Rape the building
E. Disguise yourself as a Jar of Almonds

Open-ended questions

Explain what it means to be a terrorist (Minimum of 100 words)

You have to have the passion. There are a whole lot of cocksters out there that try to ruin other people's lives. We are those cocksters. To be a terrorist, you have to be a cockster. There are no rules for a cockster. To be a cockster, you simply have to believe you are a cockster. Only then can you become a true terrorist. There are three types of terrorists. The first is the suicide bomber, that will destroy himself along with his target. This will cause the job to have a 95% chance of success. These terrorists are nicknamed Dumbasses. I forgot the other two.

Explain what it means to kill an innocent animal (Minimum of 100 words)

Blank

I think i'll pass with flying colours dude.

April the 6th

This may be my last entry!! I am writing this while getting shelled by them crazy Japs. Right now I'm hiding in a this little hole OMG THERES SOMETHING COMING RIGHT THIS WAY AHH BEFORE I DIE I'D LIKE TO SAY THANKS AND GOODBYE TO EVERYONE I KNOW, MR AND MRS TAN ABIBA MAS SELAMAT MAS SELAMAT'S FATHER ABIBA AGAIN MY OLD JAPANESE TEACHERS. ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO SAY SORRY TO ALL THE ANIMALS THAT I'VE EATEN, IF I SEE YOU IN HEAVEN I WOULD MOST LIKELY EAT YOU AGAIN AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING OKAY THE SHELL IS LIKE SUPER CLOSE NOW BYE EVERYONE BYE GOODBYE GOODBYE GOO