The Story of Swudiwudipudipong Part THREE
(Please start from the beginning and read part one. Duh?)
Learn about your foe. First rule in the book of rules written by Alrich Albart Ainstain. Space Cats. These were my foes. Cats that hail from space. I ripped the libraries apart, finding anything I could about the mysterious enemies that I was facing. There were a couple of books (Are Cats Related to Space & Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse) that I was interested in. The first book seemed like the likely choice to my solution. So I read it.
Are Cats Related To Space?
No, they are not. End of book. If you were looking for a way to solve your Chicken Curse problem, maybe you should have tried Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse eh?
I picked up the other book.
101 Ways To Please Your Spouse - With Pictures!
I had picked up the wrong book. sry abt tht
Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse
The Chicken Curse... a very horrible curse... there is only one way to solve it...
Read 101 Ways To Please Your Spouse - With Pictures!
It was crazy. Why was I being led on a wild goose chase? Why couldn’t they just tell me how to get to the Space Cats and get the hell out? I stood up in frustration and kicked the books away. An Indian man with a pot belly came up to me and shouted, “YOU’RE HELL OF A RUDE!” I apologized. The Indian man had a name tag that read: Mr. A. I asked him what the A stood for. “Aslam,” he said proudly. "It is a very grand family." I did not believe this as I knew several toilet plumbers with his name. I asked him what purpose he served in the library. “I am the toilet plumber of these parts,” he said. I nodded, satisfied. “But I am also a teacher!” he shouted. He had a very squeaky voice. I was shocked. This man, a teacher! It was a joke! But I had learnt not to underestimate people. I asked him what he taught. “Mathematics, to be sure! The Pythagoras Theorem is my specialty! As is the Hypotenuse!”
The hypotenuse. It is pronounced HAI-POR-CHEW-NISS. The world itself is a symbol of the Aslam Way. And the man’s name… it could be no coincidence. This man could be the next clue to my mystery!
The Aslam Way is known by every human being alive. It involves a set of trombones and a pogo stick. The Aslam Way is all the way up there with the Pythagoras Theorem and the Pi. Basically, when you have a problem, simply take the Aslam Way, add a few bits of carrot and you get your answer!
I immediately grabbed the man by his flabby arms and shouted to him if he knew of the Space Cats. “Space Cats? Ain’t that an age-old method of getting rid of the Chicken Curse?” I did not know that there were other ways. I asked him to explain.
“Well, what you have here is the Chicken Curse. Recently it has mutated into a different organism. A new type of Ammonium Hydroxide has been found, along with Caesium Chloride. It has become an extremely dangerous chemical.”
“I thought you only taught mathematics?” I asked.
“I also teach English, Geography, History, Physics and Chemistry! But anyway, you will not only mutate into a chicken and give birth to eggs. After the chicken mutation you will burst. Burst, you hear me?! Your body will turn into a foul gas that will destroy the earth. Destroy, you hear me?! The world will not just be sick of chicken, mankind will be destroyed!”
I was starting to get worried. Mr. Aslam was getting worked up. He was foaming. I calmed him down with a pat on the back. Then I shouted, “That’s why you’ve got to tell me an easier way to cure it, you ninny!”
Mr. Aslam brought out a small book. It was named: The New And Improved Methods Of Getting Rid Of Diseases. I was dumbstruck. This could be it!
I ripped the book apart, finding anything I could about the Chicken Curse. But I couldn’t, because I had ripped the book apart…
I asked if he had an extra. He did. I gently opened it up and THERE IT WAS! THE NEW AGE METHOD OF GETTING RID OF THE CHICKEN CURSE!!
YO YO YO FELLAS! I AM DOCTOR ANGUS MCMARROW AND I AM ‘ERE TODAY TO SHARE WITH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE!
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! YOU HAVE THE CHICKEN CURSE, I PRESUME? NOT TO FEAR, DR ANGUS MCMARROW IS HERE! WHAT YOU GOTTA DO FIRST IS TO TRAVEL SPACEY MOUNTAIN TO FIND THE SPACE CATS!
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! SO YOU GOTTA GO TO THIS PLACE IN AUSTRALIA. IT’S IN PERTH. IT’S A SHOP CALLED THE S.E.X SHOP!
HAHAHA! IM KIDDING! SO YOU GO TO PERTH AND YOU GO TO A SHOP CALLED “GR” THAT’S RIGHT “GR”! AND YOU BUY A COUPLE OF PINK TOOTHBRUSHES AND A BAG (BUT NOT A DICKIES BAG BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO COMMON)! IT IS ADVISABLE THAT YOU GET A CHAN-BROTHERS BAG! SO YOU GET THOSE ITEMS AND YOU BOIL THEM UP! AND WHEN YOU FINISH BOILING THEM UP YOU DRINK THE SUBSTANCE AND VOILA INSTANT CHICKEN CURSE CURE!!!!11111
HAHAHA! I’M KIDDING! SORRY! IT’S NOT THAT EASY! YOU TAKE THOSE ITEMS AND YOU TAKE YOUR MOBILE PHONE AND YOUR CREDIT CARD AND A NICE PIECE OF PINEAPPLE AND YOU TAKE EM AND WRAP EM UP IN A FRESH SET OF UNDERWEAR! IF YOUR UNDERWEAR IS NOT BIG ENOUGH YOU TAKE NUMEROUS UNDERWEARS AND TIE EM UP! GOT THAT?!
SO YOU TAKE THE BIG PARCEL OF STUFF AND YOU REACH INTO YOUR POCKET AND SHOUT ABRACADABRA ALAKAZAM OPEN SESAME GOOGOGOGOGOGO!! AND NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BUT YOU WILL FEEL SLIGHTLY STUPID FOR DOING IT AND THAT’S WHAT YOU NEED BECAUSE YOU ARE!
AND I THINK THAT’S ABOUT IT! IF YOU THINK YOU FEEL STUPID ENOUGH, GO AND SEE LALOLEH HE KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT HE KNOWS THOSE THINGS THAT HE KNOWS BUT SOONER OR LATER HE WILL KNOW BECAUSE WHAT HE KNOWS IS SO KNOWLEDGABLE THAT IF HE DOESN’T KNOW IT SOONER OR LATER HE WILL KNOW WHAT TRUE PAIN FEELS LIKE! AND THAT’S ABOUT IT! GOOD LUCK MAN! OH AND BY THE WAY THIS ISN’T REALLY A CURE FOR CHICKEN CURSE IT’S A CURE FOR RHEUMATISM.
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING!! GOOD LUCK MAN~~~
And that was about it. It was about the weirdest thing I’ve ever read. LaLoLeh… I believe he was a writer of some sort… didn’t he write some diary about his life? Anyhow, he will be the next person I will meet. I looked up and saw Mr. Aslam still hovering around me. I waved him goodbye and he frowned and shook his head and shouted, “YOU’RE STILL HELL OF A RUDE!”
