How in the name of God's green earth and I going to travel to the forsaken land of Perth? It was retarded. But as my late uncle used to say, When you grow up, and if you face challenges, and if you can't face the first obstacle, skip it to the next. And so I looked up LaLoLeh in the phone directory and I found his number: 62353535. I called. He asked me if I wanted a pizza. I looked at the book. Wrong number. I found his proper number: 62343434. I called. He asked me if I wanted a pizza. I looked at the phone book, but his number was correct. It was him. I asked him why he asked me if I wanted a pizza. He told me that he was a member of the JI parliament, and he had been assigned the special task of asking everyone who called him if they wanted pizza.
I told him many things. I told him that he knew something that he didn't know yet but would find out soon. He asked me if I still wanted pizza. I relented and ordered a Canadian. After all, who couldn't use a little bit of extra food? Of course, he forgot to mention the price of a Canadian from JI Pizza Store and now I am bankrupt. Back to the point, in answer of my question, he asked me what sort of thing was the thing he knew about. I told him it was about the Chicken Curse and if he had a cure. He immediately screamed.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" "?" "CHICKEN CURSE?!?!" "Yes. You know of it? Then you can help me find a cure." "No, I do not know of it, but aren't curses scary? YIKES." "...?" "I do feel as if I know something, though. Maybe if you could get me a little bit of smoked salmon from the local department store, I could remember something. Salmon always gets me thinking." "Sure."
So I got him some salmon and I met up with him. He was the most retarded looking person I had ever met, with droopy eyes and a spastic wreck of a smile. It was comical. I handed him the smoked salmon and he ate it raw. Then he closed his eyes.
"Chicken curse..." "Yes." "Chicken Curse!" "Yes." "CHICKEN CURSE!!" "Yes." "I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING, SWUDIWUDIPUDIPONG!" "Yes. Wait how did you know my name?" "I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING!!" "Yeah, answer the bloody question. How did you know my name?"
At this point the sky went dark. Thunder crashed! Boom! Boom! (lol) LaLoLeh's retardedly droopy eyes suddenly became less droopy. In fact they bounced up and they sprung out and they hit me in the face. And the moment his eyeballs connected with my skin, I felt a sense of revelation. Of course! So that's how you get rid of the chicken curse!! You eat chickens!
The sky went back to normal. LaLoLeh's eyes sagged again. It was retardedly retarded. But I couldn't be distracted. I asked LaLoLeh if he had any chicken in his house. He said no because Mas Selamat was afraid of chickens. I cursed and dashed out to the supermarket. I bought a raw chicken and threw my wallet at the cashier and I shoved the chicken down my throat and!
Nothing happened. In fact, at that moment, the cashier slipped and fell on an erected pencil and she died. I still had the chicken curse. Shit. The revelation was not a revelation. I guess it just was something crazy I thought when I got knocked out.
I decided to give up. I mean, it was only a chicken curse. I had ample amount of time to live before I mutated. And who gives a shit about the human population?
Diary of LaLoLeh part SIX
April the 29th
JI Parliament is a real kick in the ass. They give me all the special assignments. It's so damn cool! Once they had me pull out a roll of measuring tape, and then snap the safety lock so that the whole sharp roll would come zooming back. The objective of that task was not to get cut. Of course, I got cut. They gave me a cup of coffee as punishment. They all know that I hate coffee. But it was still kind of fun.
April the 30th
JI's given me a new assignment. Advertise their pizza bakery, Pizza Store. It is good. I'm supposed to ask everyone who calls me if they want a pizza. Yeah!
May the 1st
Someone called me. He asked me why I asked him if he wanted a pizza. I told him that I was in the JI parliament. He asked me if I knew the chicken curse. Duh I know what it is! Who doesn't?? And who doesn't know the cure for it? But I decided to have some fun. I screamed and acted sissy-like. He seemed to take it seriously. He went to buy me some salmon because he thought it would help me "think". When he came back I suddenly recognized him from a newspaper. Wasn't he Swudiwudipudipong? Wasn't he born in a shithole?
May the 2nd
I met up my mathematics tuition teacher, Mr. A. He mentioned some hell-of-a-rude guy named Swudiwudipudipong.
"Some Idiot was being so Rude the other time." "Ah who?" "Some hell-of-a-rude guy named Swudiwudipudipong." "WUT" "Ya! He was asking the most nonsensical questions." "Oh really? By the way, can you represent a set drawing with a venn diagram?" "You don't even have your book open! Why do you ask me such ridiculous questions?!" "No! I'm just trying to ask if you can show that it is indeed a subset by drawing avenn diagram!" "Yes that is a stupid question! You don't even know the question, why do you ask such bloody idiotic questions?!" "No! I-" "Bloody hell, boy! You want to sit outside the classroom?" "..."
Monday, August 17, 2009
Note from the editor (as they do it in reader's digest...)
Hi. Wasn't it great when Oddboard was getting two new posts a day? That was when it first started. And it's been reduced to a post a month. Isn't that just a miserable shamble of a blog?
Now i'm running out of ideas. 20/8 is Oddboard's birthday. I'll probably be double-posting then. I don't know why I'm getting all sentimental, it's just a blog. Haha.
ON TO TEH POST!
not. There isn't any post today. Wait for 20.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
The Story of Swudiwudipudipong Part THREE
(Please start from the beginning and read part one. Duh?)
Learn about your foe. First rule in the book of rules written by Alrich Albart Ainstain. Space Cats. These were my foes. Cats that hail from space. I ripped the libraries apart, finding anything I could about the mysterious enemies that I was facing. There were a couple of books (Are Cats Related to Space & Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse) that I was interested in. The first book seemed like the likely choice to my solution. So I read it.
Are Cats Related To Space?
No, they are not. End of book. If you were looking for a way to solve your Chicken Curse problem, maybe you should have tried Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse eh?
I picked up the other book.
101 Ways To Please Your Spouse - With Pictures!
I had picked up the wrong book. sry abt tht
Space Cats That Can Help Cure The Chicken Curse
The Chicken Curse... a very horrible curse... there is only one way to solve it...
Read 101 Ways To Please Your Spouse - With Pictures!
It was crazy. Why was I being led on a wild goose chase? Why couldn’t they just tell me how to get to the Space Cats and get the hell out? I stood up in frustration and kicked the books away. An Indian man with a pot belly came up to me and shouted, “YOU’RE HELL OF A RUDE!” I apologized. The Indian man had a name tag that read: Mr. A. I asked him what the A stood for. “Aslam,” he said proudly. "It is a very grand family." I did not believe this as I knew several toilet plumbers with his name. I asked him what purpose he served in the library. “I am the toilet plumber of these parts,” he said. I nodded, satisfied. “But I am also a teacher!” he shouted. He had a very squeaky voice. I was shocked. This man, a teacher! It was a joke! But I had learnt not to underestimate people. I asked him what he taught. “Mathematics, to be sure! The Pythagoras Theorem is my specialty! As is the Hypotenuse!”
The hypotenuse. It is pronounced HAI-POR-CHEW-NISS. The world itself is a symbol of the Aslam Way. And the man’s name… it could be no coincidence. This man could be the next clue to my mystery!
The Aslam Way is known by every human being alive. It involves a set of trombones and a pogo stick. The Aslam Way is all the way up there with the Pythagoras Theorem and the Pi. Basically, when you have a problem, simply take the Aslam Way, add a few bits of carrot and you get your answer!
I immediately grabbed the man by his flabby arms and shouted to him if he knew of the Space Cats. “Space Cats? Ain’t that an age-old method of getting rid of the Chicken Curse?” I did not know that there were other ways. I asked him to explain.
“Well, what you have here is the Chicken Curse. Recently it has mutated into a different organism. A new type of Ammonium Hydroxide has been found, along with Caesium Chloride. It has become an extremely dangerous chemical.”
“I thought you only taught mathematics?” I asked.
“I also teach English, Geography, History, Physics and Chemistry! But anyway, you will not only mutate into a chicken and give birth to eggs. After the chicken mutation you will burst. Burst, you hear me?! Your body will turn into a foul gas that will destroy the earth. Destroy, you hear me?! The world will not just be sick of chicken, mankind will be destroyed!”
I was starting to get worried. Mr. Aslam was getting worked up. He was foaming. I calmed him down with a pat on the back. Then I shouted, “That’s why you’ve got to tell me an easier way to cure it, you ninny!”
Mr. Aslam brought out a small book. It was named: The New And Improved Methods Of Getting Rid Of Diseases. I was dumbstruck. This could be it!
I ripped the book apart, finding anything I could about the Chicken Curse. But I couldn’t, because I had ripped the book apart…
I asked if he had an extra. He did. I gently opened it up and THERE IT WAS! THE NEW AGE METHOD OF GETTING RID OF THE CHICKEN CURSE!!
YO YO YO FELLAS! I AM DOCTOR ANGUS MCMARROW AND I AM ‘ERE TODAY TO SHARE WITH YOU THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE!
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! YOU HAVE THE CHICKEN CURSE, I PRESUME? NOT TO FEAR, DR ANGUS MCMARROW IS HERE! WHAT YOU GOTTA DO FIRST IS TO TRAVEL SPACEY MOUNTAIN TO FIND THE SPACE CATS!
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING! SO YOU GOTTA GO TO THIS PLACE IN AUSTRALIA. IT’S IN PERTH. IT’S A SHOP CALLED THE S.E.X SHOP!
HAHAHA! IM KIDDING! SO YOU GO TO PERTH AND YOU GO TO A SHOP CALLED “GR” THAT’S RIGHT “GR”! AND YOU BUY A COUPLE OF PINK TOOTHBRUSHES AND A BAG (BUT NOT A DICKIES BAG BECAUSE THEY’RE TOO COMMON)! IT IS ADVISABLE THAT YOU GET A CHAN-BROTHERS BAG! SO YOU GET THOSE ITEMS AND YOU BOIL THEM UP! AND WHEN YOU FINISH BOILING THEM UP YOU DRINK THE SUBSTANCE AND VOILA INSTANT CHICKEN CURSE CURE!!!!11111
HAHAHA! I’M KIDDING! SORRY! IT’S NOT THAT EASY! YOU TAKE THOSE ITEMS AND YOU TAKE YOUR MOBILE PHONE AND YOUR CREDIT CARD AND A NICE PIECE OF PINEAPPLE AND YOU TAKE EM AND WRAP EM UP IN A FRESH SET OF UNDERWEAR! IF YOUR UNDERWEAR IS NOT BIG ENOUGH YOU TAKE NUMEROUS UNDERWEARS AND TIE EM UP! GOT THAT?!
SO YOU TAKE THE BIG PARCEL OF STUFF AND YOU REACH INTO YOUR POCKET AND SHOUT ABRACADABRA ALAKAZAM OPEN SESAME GOOGOGOGOGOGO!! AND NOTHING WILL HAPPEN BUT YOU WILL FEEL SLIGHTLY STUPID FOR DOING IT AND THAT’S WHAT YOU NEED BECAUSE YOU ARE!
AND I THINK THAT’S ABOUT IT! IF YOU THINK YOU FEEL STUPID ENOUGH, GO AND SEE LALOLEH HE KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT HE KNOWS THOSE THINGS THAT HE KNOWS BUT SOONER OR LATER HE WILL KNOW BECAUSE WHAT HE KNOWS IS SO KNOWLEDGABLE THAT IF HE DOESN’T KNOW IT SOONER OR LATER HE WILL KNOW WHAT TRUE PAIN FEELS LIKE! AND THAT’S ABOUT IT! GOOD LUCK MAN! OH AND BY THE WAY THIS ISN’T REALLY A CURE FOR CHICKEN CURSE IT’S A CURE FOR RHEUMATISM.
HAHAHA! JUST KIDDING!! GOOD LUCK MAN~~~
And that was about it. It was about the weirdest thing I’ve ever read. LaLoLeh… I believe he was a writer of some sort… didn’t he write some diary about his life? Anyhow, he will be the next person I will meet. I looked up and saw Mr. Aslam still hovering around me. I waved him goodbye and he frowned and shook his head and shouted, “YOU’RE STILL HELL OF A RUDE!”
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The Oddboard Guide to Surviving a Zombie Invasion
Zombies. Scientists have scientifically proven the scientific existence of such a creature. Before we begin our tutorial to surviving the apocalyptic dawn of the zombies, we must start by learning about our freakish foes of foom.
Classic Zombie Increased strength
Slow
Immune to most things like bullets, poison, and Cheese Crackers
Loves good healthy brains for dinner (preferably brains of lazy people; less dense brain cells to chew)
Stupid as shit
Modern Zombie Normal strength
Fast
Slightly immune to bullets.
Will drop dead in the presence Cheese Crackers
Stupid as shit
ODD Zombie Super strength
Super fast
Totally immune to everything (except Insectosaurus toys)
Able to totally pwn everything
This one's smarter than dear ol' Albert himself
ODDBOARD predicts that the zombie invasion will occur at approximately 2015, so it is important to pass this guide down to the next generation so that they can survive. ODDBOARD believes that a certain gas known as the Cyrusus Suksors will be released by crazed anarchists and 9/10 of the world's population will mutate into zombies. 60% will become classic zombies, 39.9% modern zombies, and a mere 0.1% as ODD zombies. Still, 0.1% is around... 6 million people. There willl be six million ODD zombies. The world will be doomed. But if you follow completely this tutorial, you might have a chance to survive!
Survivor Classes There are different types of survivors. You will have to choose one specialty.
The Melee-Everything-Around Survivor As the name suggests, the Melee-Everything-Around Survivor melees everything around. A Zombie's rage will overcome his ability to think, and the zombie will simply rush at you to either bite you (Classic Zombies do this) or hit you (Modern Zombies). At this, you will have to deliver a sharp shove or stab with your knife to any zombies approaching you at dangerous distances. The zombie will rear back, and it will give the other exterminating survivors a chance to kill it.
The Slinger This survivor is adept at killing zombies with great speed and accuracy. A single projectile to a weak point of the Zombie can end it's reign of terror immediately. The only problem is that the Slinger will have to employ virtually every drop of concentration to have a steady shot. The survivor will have no time to defend itself from Zombie attacks.
The Marksman A simple survivor with a gun. Although not as efficient at killing Zombies as the Slinger, this bugger will be able to keep Zombies at a distance away, while also able to defend him or herself at close combat.
The WTFBBQ Survivor This survivor will run into the middle of a Zombie crowd just to attract attention. Very useful if a diversion is needed. This survivor is crazy.
The Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates Survivor It is recommended that you do not become this survivior...
Formations
Two people - The Duo of Death One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, One(1) Marksman
Travel side by side
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect the Marksman
Marksman must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans.
Three People - The Steadies One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, Two(2) Marksman
Travel in Triangle formation.
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect the two Marksmen
Marksmen must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans.
Four People - The Quadruple of Steadies One(1) Melee-Everything-Around survivor, One(1) Marksman, Two(2) Slingers
Travel in Square formation
Melee-Everything-Around survivor must protect everyone. Yeah, everyone.
Marksmen must shoot everything that moves NOT including your teammates or any other sane humans. Maybe shoot a survivor if he or she is being bitchy.
Five People - The LOL Gang Five(1) Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates survivors.
No formation, just shoot everything that moves.
More than five people - The LOLx2 Gang Everyone become WTFBBQ survivor. You're sure to make it through the day with that many diversions.
The Classic Zombie is surprisingly immune to Cheese Crackers, but it is still very slow, and can be easily taken out by a chainsaw. The chainsaw must slice directly perpendicular to the ground, and through the neck, taking out various blood vessels that transport the Cyrusus Suksors molecules. This will instantly kill a Classic Zombie, but there are more efficient ways to do the job. For instance, have you ever tried peanuts? If you are any good at throwing things, you might want to consider becoming a Slinger in the Zombie Times. A peanut straight to the left eye of a zombie can short out the pupil, which is the main storage space of the Cyrusus Suksors molecules. The zombie has a 100% chance of going unconscious on the spot. It also has a 0.01% chance to revert back to a human mind. This only works on the Classic Zombies.
Another way to kill Classic Zombies is to slap them where it hurts most - that's right - on their knee! The Classic Zombie's bones are rather awkwardly arranged. Slapping them on the knee will immediately create a jolt to the arm that is awkwardly connected to the knee. The arm will then whip back, smashing the Zombie's eye and shorting out the pupil. This is by far the lousiest way to kill a Classic Zombie. This is the best way.
Act like a zombie and groan in a zombie-like way. Male zombies will believe that you are a female zombie and they will kill each other to get you. They don't go for the real female zombies because the real female zombies sux. Once they all gather around you, whip out a chainsaw and BRUM BRUM BRUMMM those bastards!
A Modern Zombie is a much more challenging opponent, he will need to be dealt with extra strong Cheese Crackers. Each extra strong Cheese Cracker will act as a single WTFBBQ survivor, it will cause a great great awesome awesome WTFBBQ diversion when thrown. The Zombies will kill each other for a bite, LOL!
If you see an ODD Zombie... just turn into Shoot-Everything-That-Moves-Including-Teammates survivors. You will
1) Slow the ODD Zombie by a few seconds
2) Kill your teammates and save them a whole lot less pain
3) Empty your gun so that the next survivor that picks it up can't use it. It's YOUR gun, why let anybody else shoot it?
OK, that's all for today, folks! Any questions, leave a comment! Thank you for reading The Oddboard Guide to Surviving a Zombie Invasion! Have a great time surviving!
P.S. Everything here is purely fictional. If there is a real Zombie Invasion, eat brocolli. Broccoli, broccolie, broco roco rico pie!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Part TWO of the Story of Swudiwudipudipong
I decided to become a private detective. It is simple logic. Since I myself have a mystery to solve (everyone around me dies somehow). And since I can’t hire a private detective myself, they’d just die in a gruesome fashion. No, to me it seemed best to BECOME the solution. Do you understand, you fools? BECOME THE SOLUTION. This is true brilliance.
To become a private detective, I needed to have training. I found a Private Detective Instruction Manual from Google (All hail google). I shall show it to you here.
Barney’s How To Be A Detective Guide
This is a tutorial by the ultimate purple dinosaur, Barney. In here you will learn the secrets and ways of a Private Detective. Also check out my latest books, How To Make Friends, How To Be A Loyal Friend, How To Be Kind, How To Make Friendship Bands, and How To Make Explosives.
These are the TOP 10 RULES FOR THE PRIVATE DETECTIVE
1) NEVER EVER say Barney sux, cause he’s awesome. 2) NEVER EVER watch Hi-5, they’re just stealing my show ideas. 3) NEVER EVER listen to Miley Cyrus, she’s an untalented whore. 4) NEVER EVER listen to the Jonas Brothers either, they’re a bunch of uncreative fags. 5) When meeting a client, always always ALWAYS be rude. Your client will then dislike you, and will want you to finish the job quickly, which will provide motivation for you. You will be able to solve the case very very quickly. SIMPLE! 6) Wtf… 6th rule only? Shit… err… never talk with your mouth full. 7) Oh peanut butter sandwich, there’s a 7th rule too?! Uhh, never ever… eat biscuits. They’re… uh… bad for health. 8) LOOK, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY RULES? IT’S SIMPLE TO BE A PRIVATE DETECTIVE JUST… EAT PURPLE JELLY EVERYDAY AND YOU WILL EVENTUALLY GROW TO BE AS SMART AS ME!
Now we shall proceed on. The term “Private Detective” generally refers to this:
DETECTIVE = DET = Deers Eat Trees PRIVATE = PRI = Pee Red Ink
As you can see, the first three initials of each word forms the conclusion that when a deer eats a tree, it will pee red ink. Great leaping salamanders of fire! Such a great discovery! Now how does this relate to detection, you wonder? I don’t quite know, but it seemed to be a cool thing to put into the manual!
Now to Solve the Mystery, you have to start from the Core of the Problem.
Ok, this is what I need to read. Gonna help me solve the mystery.
What is the Problem?
The problem is that everything around me gets splattered, spiked, slashed, impaled or zapped.
Now what is the Core of that problem?
… What is the core?
You ask me I ask who?
… HEY YOU’RE A BOOK HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU COMMUNICATE TO WHAT I SAY?
That’s right! Now that you have the core of the problem, it is time to eliminate it!
But I don’t have the core of the problem yet… How do I eliminate it?
Yes, you read right, eliminate the core! How will we do this?
Ok, so you’re not really answering me.
You ask me I ask who? Ok lah, this is how we will eliminate the core.
WTF IS THE CORE OF MY PROBLEM YOU BITCH?!
If you still haven’t figured out what the core of your problem is, you are dumb. Look at it this way, ok? Look at your problem… write a composition on the problem… count the words, divide it by 5, plus 8 and divide by 3. There is an index page on the book of this book that will show you the core of your problem based on your final number.
I wrote a long composition of about 35 words. I divided it by 5, plus-ed it by 8 and divided it by 3. I got 1619. I think I better use a calculator.
(35/5)+8 ________
3
5. Let’s check the index page shall we?
1. The core of your problem is that you have no mother 2. The core of your problem is that your mother has no hair on her head 3. The core of your problem is that you have a spontaneous erection (*sorry, my squeamish friends*) 4. The core of your problem is that you like to drink toothpaste 5. The core of your problem is that you cannot find the core of the problem
Oh, so that’s the core of my problem? That I can’t find the core of the problem? WHAT THE BONG, YOU DASTARDLY BOOK. But I shall read on, this is interesting.
Now that you have the core of your problem (finally, you dumb muppet), it is time to eliminate it! Write the core down on a piece of paper, buy one of those Japanese Katanas from any nearby convenience store, write the word “Elimination” by the side of the blade and run it through the piece of paper! The core will be eliminated and we can proceed to the next step!
Basically, the mystery is shown in the following complex scientific equation.
It basically symbolizes that the problem, core of the problem and [Pi (subtracting integer of Cos[x])] is equal to the Mystery. Since we already have the problem and the core, it is time to find the [Pi (subtracting integer of Cos[x])],or PISS (pronounced PIE-SS) for short. How do we find PISS, you ask? I’m going to show you right now.
Take that same composition, divide it by 8, add 6 and divide it by 4. Turn to the index page behind the previous index page. Read your answer.
(35/8) + 6 _________
4
The calculator showed 2.59375. I turned to the index page behind the previous index page. It took up about half the book. Here it is.
1.112528 : Fries are fried. 1.112631 : Houseflies are the pinnacle of all hope. 1.312542 : Calculators are the epitome of justice. 1.354653 : Oddboard is Odd and Sandwiches. 1.465145 : Fairprice is fair but not price. 1.65578 : Live long and prosper (\\\///) 1.70087 : Make crime pay – become a lawyer 1.76596 : If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make it bambidextrous? 1.88825 : Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. 1.98234 : When life gives you lemons… make lemon juice. 2.25743 : Your momma’s so fat, she walked past the TV and I missed the first season of Lost. 2.42552 : The noblest of dogs is the Hot Dog; it feeds the hand that bites it. 2.59375 : A pair of succulent chicken wings sautéed in a saltwater solution.
There’s a lot more, but obviously it wouldn’t fit here. A pair of succulent chicken wings… sautéed in a saltwater solution… I just don’t get it. Honestly, this book is full of crap. OK, let’s read on.
Take your answer to Mr. Google. There’s one at every street.
I do happen to know that there is a Mr. Google living at house number 8. I went to visit him. I told him the answer. And the problem. And the core.
“A pair of succulent chicken wings sautéed in a saltwater solution… that could refer to the incident of the great Chicken Galore in 1915. Once upon a time, there was a dude by the name of Sam Fisher. He had an ordinary life until a chicken came up to him and pecked him. He kicked the chicken with such force that it flew for thousands of miles before landing in a ditch full of saltwater. It lay partially submerged for a few days until a man came over, saw it, and ate it. His being mutated into the shape of a giant rooster, and whenever he COCKADOODADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ed, he would excrete chickens. And chickens overpopulated the earth.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m not finished, you dope. The world ate chickens everyday. They feasted and feasted and feasted and feasted. Chickens were selling at a single cent each, and some shops even gave them away free. And as time went by the chickens became aggressive and they ate up the pigs and cows and they became even more mutated and they gave birth to fatter chickens and everyone had more chicken. It was terrible.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’m not finished, you dope. Everyone longed for a piece of bacon or pork. And so, one day, a secret farm somewhere in Nevada sent out the BLOODY HUGE TRUCK FULL OF BACON. They had been secretly breeding cows in their private farm. A single slice of bacon would cost more than a million dollars since it was so rare, and even the President of the United States only had the pleasure of eating a morsel of bacon once a year. Even the BLOODY HUGE TRUCK FULL OF BACON was not BLOODY HUGE enough to feed the whole world. And everyone wanted to breed cows, but the CHICKENS would not have any of it. They would peck any cows or pigs to death. And it was terrible. And so ODDcorps (they were the global police force at that time) decided that they would have to contain the overpopulation of chickens. They sent out a total of 16500 teams of 16 to maintain a healthy balance of livestock. Each team carried four CHICKENBUSTERS. A CHICKENBUSTER is similar to the Ghost Trap carried by the legendary ghost busters. Except that it sucks in chickens instead of ghosts. The ODDcorps teams went all over the world, placing the CHICKENBUSTERS everywhere. And thus the situation was contained, but ever since, there have been rumours of the Chicken Curse spreading. Basically, your problem is similar to the symptoms of the Chicken Curse. Many people have had similar symptoms, but none as serious as yours. It appears that you have advanced to a new stage and you are still advancing. Soon, Swudiwudipudipong, the chicken pandemic will strike again. A much more stronger and aggressive breed of chicken will appear. And you will be the cause of it!”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Oh boy, Barney’s sent me another dumb one… OK, look. You have the Chicken Curse, OK? It begins with the symptom of people around you dying. People usually have only around 2 people around them dying, but you have more than 4. The Curse in you will advance to Stage Two, where you will suddenly become addicted to sandwiches.”
“Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about! Say, you don’t happen to have any sandwiches about, do you?”
“OK, now you will advance on to the third stage. You will take a curious liking to watching apes eat bananas.”
“And what’s the next stage?”
“You will begin to put chicken into your sandwich.”
“And what’s the next stage?”
“The next stage… you will transform into a mutant rooster and you will excrete chickens, and the overpopulation-of-chicken-crisis will occur again.
“Is there any way I can save myself from transforming and save the world from the overpopulation-of-chicken-crisis?
“You will have to travel to Spacey Mountain to meet the Space Cats. These cats hail from outer space, and they are currently living in… Spacey Mountain. You will have to drink their brain juice to restrict the transforming process until scientists can find a cure.”
“What? Brain juice? Is there another way?”
“You could travel to Spacey City underground to fight the evil space cats that hail from evil outer space. If you are victorious in the battle, the King of Space Cats will give you a wish. You could use that wish to get rid of the Curse.”
“What? Fight evil space cats? Is there another way?”
“You could find regular cats and turn them into space cats by giving them goldfish glass bowls to put on their heads. They will be so pleased that they will refer you to the Space Cat King. You can get a wish from him and- ”
“These solutions are stupid! Isn’t there anything else?”
“How about Space Cats?”
“Space Cats?? That’s brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that before?”
And so, with the spirit of adventure in me, I packed my gear and got ready to meet the SPACE CATS!
This must be my longest post ever.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Story Section - Winner! The Story of Swudiwudipudipong, Part ONE My name is Swudiwudipudipong. My current age is not so important, since you want to know The Story. Well, here goes.
I was born in a little shit hole during the World War Two. My mother, who had posed as a man to become a soldier, had suddenly shouted "OHMILORD" and screamed in agony. She gave birth to a little baby, and thus I was born. She named me Swudiwudipudipong before she got assaulted by a Japanese soldier who was shouting MUSHI MUSHI as he stabbed her eye. Of course, my mother, being one of a kind, squeezed between the soldier's leg, where it hurts most. The soldier "squealed so loud he coulda shatter glass", as the reporter nearby told the story to me later on when I was at the age of 6. The reporter explained to me that another soldier, a good friend of my mother's, had taken me back to the Batallion HQ, where I was christened Teriyakichickenhondatoyotamitsubishilancercivic konichiwatakashimyaparagoncalefare shizzlehizzledizzlefizzlenathanieldarkbladelol by some cock priest. Of course, the name never stuck and I was always refered to as Swudiwudipudipong, which is the best name in the world I think.
I was then sent to live with a poor old couple living around Hokkia, which is the birthplace of the language Hokkien. And they give me a single carrot stick a day. But I can't blame them, they are very poor, they have to support themselves. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! As they were so "poor", they could only afford abalone and steamboat and shark's fin for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, supper, late-supper, later-supper, sleepwalking-supper and wtf-still-eating supper. And they gave me a carrot stick a day. Sure, I can't blame them, the mudkip-raping bastards.
Of course, after a few years I became increasingly hostile to those two buggers. And you can't blame me! They had been resorting to violence, beating me whenever I told them to screw off. And so, one dark night, I had cunningly sneaked out of my cot. I had stolen a kitchen knife from the kitchen (duh), and I had held it in an ideal stance, getting ready to... cut some fruits for breakfast. They forced me to do this everyday. Then something fantastic happened. Lightning struck the house! It came through the chimney, ricocheted around, and finally landed with a bang smack in the middle of my chest. It all took about 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds. Speed of light, you know. And in that 0.0000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds, I saw my life flash before my eyes. It was really boring. Finally the flashing ended and I found myself having seizures on the floor. Then I thought, what the heck, why am I having a seizure? And I stopped having seizures and I got up. And I found out the the lightning had completely wrecked the house. I ran to my "parent's" room to find that they were both dead, their innards spattered all over the wall. And I thought, no, the lightning could not have done this. The lightning was just a coincidence, there is some unknown force at work here!
And so I vowed that I would solve the mystery. But of course, I had to find proper lodging and the basic necessities to survive. So I took up the rent offer of one Sam Fisher and took up a job as a road sweeper. And all this at the age of 10.
Just 5 years later, Sam Fisher got his brains blown all over the sofa. Apparently he had been listening to the radio when some unknown person or persons had brutally assaulted him an automatic shotgun. It seemed to me at the time that everyone I was around with got killed somehow. It was weird.
The day he died, I answered all the questions the police had for me and I took a taxi to find new lodging. Unfortunately, the taxi driver also met a gruesome death. A lorry had suddenly come out of a corner. The taxi's brakes were, for some reason, dead. The taxi driver shouted: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU I LIEK CHEEZBURGER before he his head went smack into some spike sticking out of the lorry's side. It was a horrible mess. And it had ruined my new suit as well. Just my luck.
The police called me in for questioning again. I think the chief inspector is getting kinda fond of me. Anyhow, I was not detained and I was set freeeeeeeee. I went to see one of those fortune tellers. There had to be something wrong with me. The fortune teller, some black dude named Daisy, told me that if I stepped into shit, the curse would be lifted. I immediately went to her toilet, ripped out the plumbing and started jumping about in the disgusting filth that was leaking out of the pipes. Then I came back to the table and the fortune teller was dead. I'm not going to tell you how she died, because it would just be sick. Oh heck, Daisy had tripped and fallen on her own gardening shears. I don't know why she was keeping them beside the table. Turns out that the curse HASN'T lifted. CURSES! I vowed never to see fortune tellers again. All they give you is a load of crap for your money.
P.S
sry is not vry funy
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Diary of LaLoLeh part 5
April the 7th
Hey yo. Let me tell you exactly what happened yesterday.
I woke up in my bed (well, it’s more of a cot), and I went to brush my teeth (remember kids, brush ‘em everyday). When I looked in the mirror, I caught the reflection of the window. What was outside the window? A pretty little bird! I went to take a look at it. It was chirping and chirping. It seemed extremely agitated. I caught some jumbled up words from its chirping. They included “bombs”, “shells” “bloodandgore”, “Japan”, “suicideplanes” and “Dai Ze”. I have no idea what the last one meant, but I was sure it was a sign of some sort. I got annoyed with the bird and I gave it a punch. My fist went right through! It was a ghost bird… NOT! I actually punched it and it flew down the window but my punch wasn’t strong enough and it simply flew away.
So I walked out of the house to the JI Head Quarters, and guess what? I saw something dropping from the sky. My first thought was “THE SKY IS FAAALLIIING!!!!” My second thought was “THE CLOUDS ARE FAAALLIIING!!!!” My third thought was “THE JAPANESE ARE BOMBING US!!!!” My fourth thought was “IT’S ALMOND DAY AND THEY’RE SCATTERING ALMONDS EVERYWHERE!!!!”
Unfortunately, I decided to follow my fourth thought, and ran around the streets, trying to catch the falling thing. The falling thing became bigger. It was only then I remembered my lesson on Perspective in school and I remembered that things that were far away are smaller than things that are nearer to you and I gasped as the realization hit me. IT’S THE BIGGEST ALMOND IN THE WORLD, my heart screamed with joy. As I ran towards the spot where I thought it would fall, I realized that the almond was actually kind of metallic-like. So, it’s a bit spoilt. Then I noticed that the almond was actually shaped more one of those atomic bombs. So they were creative and made it into that shape. Then I actually noticed it was a bomb and everybody was screaming and running into shelters. So… it’s a bomb.
It’s at these moments that time actually stops and you can stop to observe your surroundings. The heat was nearly suffocating me. The screams and shouts were not very appealing to my ears, so I shut them off with my hands. The bomb looked oh-so-frightening to me, a big dark thing traveling towards me at the speed of the speed that it was traveling. It came closer… and closer… the dark oval/O shaped front ready to smash straight into my face. Then I noticed there were two words by the side: Dai Ze. DAI ZE!
Seeing these two words gave me strength. It gave me the sort of knowing that everything was actually alright and that I was on an adventure. DAI ZE! WOAH! With this new confidence, I spun to the nearest bomb shelter.
So the place was bombed, blah blah blah. I still lived, as you can see. But I knew I had to find this place, this person or this thing codenamed Dai Ze. It sounded Chinese to me. Chinese names, Chinese places, I thought. I will look everywhere for Dai Ze.
April the 8th
Turns out that Dai Ze was actually a boy from a school nearby. I read about him in the police records that I stole from the Police Station. This is the report:
Name: Dai Ze (Surname unknown) Age: 13 Medical issues: Been called mentally retarded by schoolmates, but in fact he is actually just born slow. Slow is still kind of retarded I think… Description: Very lively boy. Has a tendency to shriek and shout “I KILL YOU”. Gets very worked up when said to follow the game show “S-Factor”. Retarded. Crimes committed: Scolding and attacking a police officer who bumped into the boy while he was playing the game “Catch the Duck” on an electronic device. Extremely oily face. If you could immerse his skin in Malaya’s landscape, you’d solve Malaya’s oil problems forever.
Hm.
April the 9th
This boy is BLOODY RETARDED. Spied on him during lesson. Got bullied by pretty much all his classmates, including a boy named Job who constantly smacks his ass.
April the 10th
I have confronted Dai Ze and I have asked him if he knew anything about me or about the signs that I have received. He gave me a retarded face, said “What” in a retarded manner and raced off, attempting to perform a cart wheel while running down the stairs (Failed miserably, of course).
April the 11th
I have not given up my investigation, despite the obvious disappointment yesterday. There cannot be two same signs on the same day! It’s just not coincidental! I will never give up until I find the truth! But perhaps I’ll go for a tiger beer.
April the 20th
Had some of the bartender’s “Special Concoction”. Got knocked out almost immediately. Turns out that he had added some special Knock-Out-Powder to the concoction named the “Dai Ze” powder. Another sign! Time to continue my investigation.
April the 21st
Holy crap! Holy CRAP! I THINK I KNOW WHAT THE SIGNS MEAN! LET ME EXPLAIN.
Dai Ze was meant to be the savior. He was meant to rise above all his schoolmates. He was meant to have special powers! His awesomely slow mind gave him a special condition that allowed him to have super strength and laser/Xray eyes, and the ability to fly. WTF! I found this out by asking him. He was reading aloud from the book “Superman”… Oh… it’s another red herring. Damn.
April the 22nd
No bloody idea how Dai Ze could ever be associated with me. I took him aside today, strung him to a chair and threatened to remove his head from his shoulders with a chain-saw unless he told me the truth.
Me: TELL ME THE TRUTH! Dai Ze: What you want… Me: TELL ME THE TRUTH! Dai Ze: I very stressed… Me: I’M GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DO NOT TELL ME THE TRUTH! Dai Ze: *shrieks* Me: … Dai Ze: *shrieks again*
I give up.
April the 23rd
I have gotten back the results. Mas Selamat’s father (Sam Melamat) says that I have great potential to be a JI leader! But first I have to complete this JI course to get INTO JI. Starts next week.
April the 24th
Gosh, Abiba’s arrived in Johor! She’s asked me to come see her tomorrow at the coffee shop! Yeah!
April the 25th
Today was a disaster. I have no wish to talk about it. And don’t ask about that black kiss mark on my cheek either. Shut up diary! NO YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP! I AM TEARING THIS PAGE OFF IF YOU DON’T BLOODY SHUT UP!
April the 26th
Well, I woke up today an WTF DIARY, did you just make a tear in the page? While I was writing! Are you giving me attitude? I know A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 100%, BUT SRSLY YOU GOTTA STOP THIS. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM! I write stuff, you just be good and hold your paper together! And you couldn’t even do that! Hell, I can’t even recall waking up this morning now.
April the 27th
Okay… okay… okay… good, you aren’t tearing. You know what happened today diary? Do you remember what day it was today? That’s right, it was day one of my JI course. Now do you know what happened? Of course you don’t, you weren’t there. Guess what happened? First they put us through this physical fitness test. My results:
Sit and Reach: 3CM Inclined pull-ups: 1 in 30 seconds 0.05km run: 10 minutes Standing broad jump: 34CM Sit-ups: 2 in 1 minute Shuttle-run: 4 minutes (covering a distance of 5m (2.5m for each beanbag))
I got a gold.
Then they put us through the “Adventure playground from hell”
10 KILOMETRE SPRINT TO THE FIRST OBSTACLE FIRST OBSTACLE: CLIMB A SHEER WALL OF HEIGHT 100 METRES SPRINT 5 KILOMETRES TO THE SECOND OBSTACLE SECOND OBSTACLE: MUST SUCCESSFULLY PUSH A 165 TON ELEPHANT OFF A BUILDING, AND DRINK THE BLOOD SPRINT 15 KILOMETERES TO THE THIRD OBSTACLE THIRD OBSTACLE: eat an icecream
I was below the height limit for this course though. The height limit was 180cm and I was 157cm. They allowed me to skip everything and go straight to the third obstacle.
And that was it! I was in JI! And guess who my senior was, one of the members of parliament? Yeah, that’s right! Dai Ze! CURSES! I attended one of the parliament meetings and he was practically shrieking every second. “What do you think of this plan, Dai Ze?” *SHRIEK* “So you agree with the plan? *SHRIEK* “Well, Dai Ze, if that’s what you think, proceed with this plan immediately!”
…Wtf.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
What happens when two guys get together for a chat?
` says: HOH YOU Whiteblue says: JAJAJA I R PRO MENG I R TRY 2 BE FARNIE PINOY JEJEJE o-o ` says: chinese bastard. Whiteblue says: :( Fair is foul and foul is fair ` says: you suk eggs Whiteblue says: .-. ` says: i hate chinese people who suk eggs Whiteblue says: Why eggs. ` says: GREEN EGGS GET IT YOU SUK Whiteblue says: NO I DON'T ` says: GREEN Whiteblue says: NO U ` says: EGGS
Whiteblue says: Orly ` says: YARLY! Whiteblue says: No rly ` says: SRSLY!!!! Whiteblue says: NO U SO I HERD U LIEK MUDKIPZ ` says: BUTTSECKS TOO Whiteblue says: :( y mi sob sob ` says: jeekers. you ruined the whole show Whiteblue says: JEJEJE
:( ` says: i hate you Whiteblue says: Ya think ? ` says: I THINK?! I KNOW YOU BIG FAT PIECE OF CRAP Whiteblue says: MILEYCYRUSOWNSYOUWITHHERTEXASACCENTO o-o WELCOME TO TEXAS WHERE THE COW IS BEEF AND THE BEEF IS COW (Adjusts voice) And now we're gonna rick roll some pimpslaves. ` says: oh yeah Whiteblue says: SO BUTTERFLY YOUR MOSIES AND CONGA ` says: WELCOME TO TEXAAAS miley cyrus pfft Whiteblue says: Sandy is proud ;3 ` says: so is patrick, Whiteblue says: Thy squirrel RIP o-o Patrick is a handicapped starfish Why bother >:L ` says: but not the krabbs that guy is my idol Whiteblue says: THE KRABBS HAS NO GENITALIA *SCREAM* So does Spongebob ` says: yeah well speaking of genitalia Whiteblue says: HE RUNS IN THE TOWN NEKKID WHAT TYPE OF COMEDY IS THIS ` says: he wears a suit you dummy.. so does the krabbs Whiteblue says: ;C Epic ;D Anyway I'm bored Entertain me ` says: onc apon a tym ther wus a wussy th wussy lik 2 eat panckes de end Whiteblue says: aww did the wussy get diabetes ? ` says: fo sho Whiteblue says: cuz my mummy say pancakes gives you aids ;c ` says: his stomach couldn't take the honey Whiteblue says: omg ` says: oh dear. so does white Whiteblue says: spare the hunny omg wat ur problem u m8 mi sad ;C I gonna tall my mami buu huu u r meani ` says: now, kids, remember, suck your yolk before you swallow it Whiteblue says: SINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIALSOCIETYSINGAPOREISNOTAMULTI-RACIA Yolk .-. What does that remind me of. .. ........... Small Farts ;D ` says: hmm you know there was this chinese guy once Whiteblue says: Wat :l ` says: i saw him in the back alley he got raped by a lemon Whiteblue says: Do you know why ? ` says: same skin colour!! yehh.. Whiteblue says: Nu. ` says: den wut is de answe Whiteblue says: CAUSETHECHINESEFEEDOFFSINGAPORE'SMOOLAHANDTHEGOVERNMENTCREATEDAKILLERLEMONTOEATHIMUP YUMYUMEATHIMUP ` says: i cant read all those words clumped together but hey you suck Whiteblue says: Ya Think >:3 o.o ` says: you know you really piss me off Whiteblue says: I like it how Mediacorp proclaims to be the best TV station in Singapore, even though it's the ONLY TV station I presume And thank you ;D ` says: okay you crossed the line there Whiteblue says: Just sign in on my resumee ` says: no one insults mediacorp Whiteblue says: WAS THAT AN INSULT ? NOSHIZ D;< ` says: no one belittles them because Whiteblue says: YOUTAKETHEMTOOSERIOUSLY BUUHUU ` says: because anyone who does is a l**p-d**k f*****. Whiteblue says: And why? >:C ` says: because they suk eggs goodnight, gentlemen Whiteblue says: o-o Wat EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Sometimes the Letter E looks like the Letter B. ;D How cute.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Diary of LaLoLeh - Part 4
April the 1st
Happy first day of the month. Mas Selamat has changed his mind about being part of ASS (Association of Singaporean Soldiers). Now he wants to be part of the terrorist association COCK. He says it rhymes with his name. Like wtf, he fails at pronounciation.
April the 2nd
Now Mas Selamat has to go back to being the potential leader of JI. He says it's because his father, Sam Melamat, does not approve of him being part of any associations that help others. He says it's not honouring the way of the Malay Demons. "No malay demon son of mine is going to be part of those wimpy associations, ASS and COCK!" Mas Selamat quotes to me. Anyhow, I've told Mas Selamat about my manhood. I've shown him the stub and he says he knows a very powerful man that can restore it. Powerful how, I ask. He has powerful magic, says Mas Selamat. He can restore your cock in a mere five minutes. Mas Selamat has contacted him on my behalf for an appointment. Tomorrow's the day. I'm nervous.
April the 3rd
Mas Selamat brought me to a run-down place called Terabithia. He brought me to a run-down street named Terabithia. He brought me to a run-down building named Terabithia. I was taken to a room in this building named Terabithia. The healer's name? You guessed it. Bob. He was a very nice guy and he told me that it would take 10 minutes to restore a lost body part, and ten grand. Mas Selamat told him that if he didn't waive the fee, he might have to perform his magic on himself. It was a lousy threat, I think, but Bob sure did loosen his fee down to two coins and a kiss. Mas Selamat was told to go out of the room. I revealed the stub and the healer looked shocked. "Ohhhh, bless my soul! There is evil in this.. thing! I cannot restore it!" When I asked what evil there was, he said, "It's evil! I am a healer, I ought to know! I am sorry, but if I restore this thing, I will be releasing a terrifying spirit that will destroy the earth!" I had a look at the stub. Didn't look very evil to me. I told him that I would give him extra money. Two banana notes and one extra kiss. He agreed almost immediately. I sat down as he instructed and tried to meditate as he instructed. I tried to think about blue sparks and the Winx Club fairies, as he instructed. I thought of blue sparks. Cool, I thought. Then I thought of the Winx Club fairies. Cool, I thought. Then my stub magically stood up. "It's working!" Bob had said excitedly. The stub began to rise, rise, rise, rise. It rose to a height of 7 inches and a width of 2 inches before... hey presto, out sprung a new manhood. I was so happy. I planted two kisses on Bob's cheek and three kisses on my manhood (don't ask me how I reached) and I gave him Bob two banana notes and I rushed out and I hugged Mas Selamat and I was brimming with joy! Then Bob said that "it wasn't over". He said that the healing had not been fully successful and my manhood was liable to drop off if I didn't complete the ritual, which would cost another banana note. He asked me to sit for a further 5 minutes. This is exactly what I did in those 5 minutes:
0:00 - 0:10 Sat quietly thinking about NOTHING as Bob instructed 0:10 - 0:15 Couldn't help sneaking up a thought about those Winx Club Fairies 0:15 - 1:45 Erected the whole time. Bob thoroughly disapproved 1:45 - 2:45 Started sneaking out some thoughts about Mas Selamat being part of ASS and COCK. Couldn't help snickering for a minute. Bob thoroughly disapproved 2:45 - 2:46 Had a sudden pang of pleasure as my manhood shot up and shot back down. Weird, must have been part of the healing 2:46 - 2:47 It happened again! 2:47 - 2:48 And again! 2:48 - 3:25 My manhood suddenly inverted. Weird. 3:25 - 4:00 It stopped inverting and turned normal. I spent this 35 seconds counting my teeth. 4:00 - 4:05 Sneaked a hand into my pants and felt my manhood. No change. 4:05 - 5:00 Fell asleep
April the 4th
Since my manhood had returned, some local soldiers have come to this palace to enlist me as a soldier in ASS. I have declined their offer. Then some malay people came to offer me a spot at COCK. I declined their offer. Mas Selamat says it is wise to do this. He says I should wait for a parliament spot in JI. If you're in the JI parliament, you are allowed to have a free flow of Coke every meeting. Cool.
April the 5th
Mas Selamat's father came to give me a test. He said it was to prove if I was worthy enough for a position in the JI parliament. This is the test with the answers I put:
Multiple Choice Questions
1) You are trying to kill your sister. You... A. Give up B. Search for a possible way to kill your sister, but give up anyway C. Rape your sister (no idea how this kills your sister, but whatever) D. Give up again E. Smash her head with a Jar of Almonds
2) You are attempting to kill a level position higher than you in JI so you can be promoted. You... A. Offer the person poisonous almonds from the Jar of Almonds B. Give up C. Rape the person D. Create mini black holes with the (This not only kills that person, it destroys the entire world! It's killing more than 6 billion birds with one stone!) E. Stick the dude with a knife (Accidents happen)
3) You are trying to suicide-bomb yourself with the goal to destroy a building. The building is heavily guarded. You... A. Give up B. Search for a possible way in, but give up anyway C. Become frustrated and ignite the C4 on the spot D. Rape the building E. Disguise yourself as a Jar of Almonds
Open-ended questions
Explain what it means to be a terrorist (Minimum of 100 words)
You have to have the passion. There are a whole lot of cocksters out there that try to ruin other people's lives. We are those cocksters. To be a terrorist, you have to be a cockster. There are no rules for a cockster. To be a cockster, you simply have to believe you are a cockster. Only then can you become a true terrorist. There are three types of terrorists. The first is the suicide bomber, that will destroy himself along with his target. This will cause the job to have a 95% chance of success. These terrorists are nicknamed Dumbasses. I forgot the other two.
Explain what it means to kill an innocent animal (Minimum of 100 words)
Blank
I think i'll pass with flying colours dude.
April the 6th
This may be my last entry!! I am writing this while getting shelled by them crazy Japs. Right now I'm hiding in a this little hole OMG THERES SOMETHING COMING RIGHT THIS WAY AHH BEFORE I DIE I'D LIKE TO SAY THANKS AND GOODBYE TO EVERYONE I KNOW, MR AND MRS TAN ABIBA MAS SELAMAT MAS SELAMAT'S FATHER ABIBA AGAIN MY OLD JAPANESE TEACHERS. ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO SAY SORRY TO ALL THE ANIMALS THAT I'VE EATEN, IF I SEE YOU IN HEAVEN I WOULD MOST LIKELY EAT YOU AGAIN AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING OKAY THE SHELL IS LIKE SUPER CLOSE NOW BYE EVERYONE BYE GOODBYE GOODBYE GOO
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Diary of LaLoLeh part 3
P.S Really suggest you go back to read part 1 or 2 if you haven't. Start from the beginning, yeah?
March the 18th
Finally, LOTS of pens, so I am going to recount on every single event that happened during the last 10 days.
Day 1 with no pen I had a beer that I stole from the bar. Man, I went out like a light.
Day 5 with no pen Finally woke up. Hungry feeling. And extremely thirsty... for another beer.
Day 8 with no pen I woke up earlier this time. I think my body is getting more immune to the beer.
Day 9 with no pen I became determined to find a pen. First I went to the local pen store. They did not have anything to give me, even an old rusty pen, but they did recommend the local Mental Hospital. I went over to the Ten Tack Sing clinic. There were approximately a thousand people queuing up outside, and about 9/10 of them were holding up a big piece of card with a big X on it. I saw a signboard: Hold up X if you have been infected with a sexually transmitted disease. I did not know that you could get a disease from having sex. This is weird. Anyhow, I cut the queue (like my father taught me) and I asked the doctor if he had any spare pens. He said he only had one and it was his precious one and it was accompanied by two balls. I think the good doctor is thinking sick. I asked him if he had any pencils, even, but he refused to give me any even though he had this case full with pencils. What a shit-tard. It's near lunch already and I feel like another beer, but I was still determined to find a pen with no balls, so I headed down to the nearest grocery store. The guy there said that you could get pens for FREE at the train station, which is coincidentally also where I was headed. So I grabbed all my valuables and followed the jeep with white stripes and this time I stopped finding the SIN of every number I saw to the power of 13 so I was actually able to keep up and not get distracted. So after the big big long long distance of 50 feet I finally reached the train station. Great place. Been named the Death Railway. Alot of heads sitting on benches and railings and whatever. Had trouble actually getting my way to the office because of all the skulls. And in the office was this!
I was so shocked. I was so dumbstruck. I was so happy. I was so elated. I was so HIGH! I quickly grabbed all three cases and rushed out the door. I was so high that I did not care if I crushed the skulls or not. Holy moly!!
Day 10 with pen
Here I am!
March the 19th
Hopped into the train going to Johor. Sleeping in the last carriage.
March the 20th
Hi, still travelling on the train.
March the 21st
Hi, still travelling on the train.
March the 23rd
Hi, still travelling on the train.
March the 24th
My god. It seems that the train wasn't even moving. It was under maintenance. CURSES!
March the 25th
Finally, hopped onto a MOVING train. Now everything outside the window is actually MOVING. MOVING!!
March the 26th
Reached Johor. Time to find my relative Sam. Or is it my relative Bob?
March the 27th
I found my relative. He says his name is Mas Selamat. He IS a eunuch. And he's my age!
March the 28th
Man, Mas Selamat owns this huge huge huge palace. He says he's the next leader of some super great clan of Malay Demons called JI now owned by his father, but I've never even heard of it.
March the 29th
Mas Selamat came back home all bruised and bloody. He says he got into a fight with another clan of Chinese Angels, although there are rumours that he actually got into a fight with a cat.
March the 30th
Happy second last day of the month. Mas Selamat bought me a Rolls Royce. I gave him the pen that had no ink. It's always best to re-use stuff.
March the 31st
Happy happy last day of the month. Mas Selamat now says he doesn't want to be a leader of the Malay Demons, but he wants to be the leader of the Association of Singaporean Soldiers, or ASS for short. He says it's very patriotic to be part of ASS.
-I'll continue another day.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Who Wants to be a Millionaire – Oddboard Version!
Host: The question is… What is the compound formed when electrically combining elements Exizyme and Deoxynitrate? Is it… A: The OJIASDOIAWJDONAOSDNOINASD compound? B: An umbrella? C: Exinitrate? D: A compound?
Contestant: Ahhhh, it’s a pretty tricky question… I think I’ll go for… A. It’s my favourite letter. Host: A? Is that you’re… FIIINAAL ANSWER? Contestant: Actually it’s B. Host: You’re sure this time? Contestant: D! Host: Why don’t you go a little lower? Contestant: …B? Host: Higher. Contestant: D. Host: You already said D. Lower. Just a little. Contestant: A hybrid of D and B? Host: Yeah and what do you get from that? Contestant: ….DB? Host: COUGHCOUGHCOUGH*C*COUGHCOUGHCOUGH Contestant: C! C!!! Host: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!! Contestant: YEAH! GIVE ME SOME OF THAT! YEAH! Host: Next question.. What is the compound formed when electrically combining elements Exizyme and Deoxynitrate? Is it… A: The OJIASDOIAWJDONAOSDNOINASD compound? B: An umbrella? C: Exinitrate? D: A compound? Contestant: A for sure, dude.. Host: FOR THE SAKE OF MY MOTHER’S SANITY, IT”S C! Contestant: IT’S C! Host: AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT! YOU HAVE $500,000 NOW! DO YOU WANT TO KEEP ON PLAYING?! Contestant: I’LL KEEP ON PLAYING! Host: VERY WELL! THE LAST QUESTION! Your wife makes you dress up as a teletubbie! Is the teletubbie.. A: Tinkie Winkie? B: Thor, the god of thunder? C: Richard Nixon? D: A jar of almonds? Contestant: Hmmm… It’s just a crazy question… It could be anything… I’d say… D, a jar of almonds? Host: Is that your FINAL answer? Contestant: Yes that is my final answer. Host: I’ll ask you one more time is that your FINAL answer? Contestant: No, I’ll change it to Tinkie Winkie. Host: Oh, alright then. So you’re final answer is Tinkie Winkie, well… I’m so sorry that’s your answer. It’s such a shame you came all the way here to WIN $1,000,000!!! Contestant: OHHHH MY GOODNESS! Host: Now, we have a special surprise for you! We have a $2,000,000 prize! But you have to answer this question! It’s a trick question! Contestant: Oh boy! Host: Is this answer to this question, A which is B? B which is C? C which is A? D which is D? Contestant: Oh my gosh… I think I’m going to have to think this one through… I think I’m going with A. Host: So you’re going with B? Contestant: No I’ll go with C. Host: So you’re base answer was B but actually you were with C Contestant: I’ll take D on this one. Host: Are you sure? There’s an extra answer. E which is a jar of almonds. Contestant: No more almonds, D was D right? Host: Yes. Contestant: I’m going with D! Host: Are you sure?! Contestant: No I’ll go with A! Host: Are you sure?! Contestant: No I’ll take C on this one! C wasn’t A right? Host: No it wasn’t! Contestant: Then I’m taking A! Host: So A! A is your final answer! Contestant: YES! Host: So basically your final answer is Richard Nixon? Contestant: B it is! Host: Are you sure?! Contestant: Wait E was a jar of almonds wasn’t it? Host: Yes it was! Contestant: And A was B right? I’M TAKING C!!! Host: SO THAT IS YOUR FINAL ANSWER?! Contestant: YES!!! Host: Well, I’m sorry to say you’ve wasted all our time here by choosing B………………………………… BUT YOU WON 2 MILLION DOLLARS WOOADOSIDNOWIADNONASDAOD!!!!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Diary of LaLoLeh - Part 2
February the 10th I think
I think I have a talent in maths. Not only was I able to score full marks for all my maths exams, I even found mathematics so interesting that I finished two exercise books. My mathematics teacher almost killed me for that. We’re supposed to finish the books over a span of two years. Today I found out that not only did one of my best friends, Ryan, rat on me and scream to the teacher that I had copied for my Japanese test, but he even had the cheek to tell me that it was “for my own good”, that moronic sack of shit.
February the 11th
I had nightmares last night. They involved the safety of my dead insect collection. Some meanie named Meanie (don’t ask me how I knew the meanie’s name was Meanie) walked into the house and simply stepped on them. Their guts spattered out. I was horrified. I woke up around 3am. I couldn’t sleep, so I doubled 2s in my head because it made me feel calmer. I got to 33,554,432, which is 2 to the power of 25, which was not very much because I had gotten to 2 to the power of 45 before, but my brain wasn’t working very well last night.
February the 12th
Mr and Mrs Tan killed my one of my pet insects, Scruffy the Mosquito. I think I’m scared of them, because if they can kill Scruffy, they certainly can kill me. I think I’m going to run away.
February the 13th
I ran away from Mr and Mrs Tan. I grabbed all my valuables including my special cassette tape with 24 different voices saying: Hi. First I asked for directions to the train station. I need to go to the train station. I think one of my distant relatives, a second uncle of my aunt’s first nephew twice removed lives around Johor. I think he’s a eunuch. Anyhow the woman I was asking told me to follow the jeep with white stripes. I saw it and I started to run because jeeps go really fast and if you can’t keep up then it’s actually pointless to run with it, but you never know if you can keep up and so I tried keeping up and I found that I was able to. I ignored the pain in my chest and legs 15 minutes later by finding the SIN of every number I saw to the power of 13, but this method proved to be inefficient as I soon realized that it had led me to following the wrong jeep. I think the jeep I followed led me to some sort of sugar cane field, which is where I am now. I think I am close to the train station though. I just saw a sign that said: Train Station, only 150 miles away. One mile is three steps, isn’t it?
February the 15th
Sorry I skipped a day, I was captured by some pompous arse soldier who brought me to some police station where there were people called Kempeitai, but I escaped as easily as muffins by running away as soon as they had their back to me. As you know, I ran with a jeep so I should be able to run away from some fat-legged freaks. I hid in a shed and found an old radio player that is still able to play and I am hearing my special limited edition cassette tape as we speak. The friendliness of the word ‘hi’ is just so touching.
February the 16th
This small little girl crept into the shed and started irritating me so much that I wanted to hit her. She kept shouting: Gagagagagagagagaga. I swear, it was the most annoying thing my ears had ever had the experience of hearing. I wanted to kill it, but I knew my father would not like that as it is wrong to hurt a girl. But I almost couldn’t stop myself, so I took my father’s advice and I took in 50 deep breaths and did cubes of the cardinal numbers as I counted, like this: 1, 8, 27, 64, 125, 216, 343, 512, 729, 1000, 1,331, 1,728, 2,197, 2,744, 3,375, 4,096, 4,913… etc. That made me feel more calm and I simply chucked the girl out of the shed and shut the door.
February the 17th
I think this shed is haunted. All I here at night is “GETT OUTTTTTTT”. I think it must be that stupid farmer who has been trying to chase me out of this darned little shed.
February the 18th
Darn this shed. I just migrated from this shed to another shack nearer to the train station. It has better quality hay, and I think the carrots are more crunchier. The only bad thing is that there is a stupid freaking donkey in this shack! It poos RIGHT NEXT TO ME at night. Although it’s not ON me, it’s still possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve seen so far in my life. Boo to donkey poo.
February the 19th
I think… this shack sucks. I should be migrating soon.
February the 20th
Today is my father’s birthday, I shall stand silent in remembrance of him. Wait, was it my father or my mother’s birthday.
February the 21st
Some girl came into the shack today. I think she’s the farmer’s daughter. Man, is she hot. I asked her for her address. She said just down the field, in the red house. She also told me her name was Abiba. I should visit her sometime.
February the 22nd
I had my first kiss today. It was possibly the most wet kiss on earth. Abiba was drinking from the water trough and her lips glistened so much I just had to plant a kiss on her. And she kissed me back and it was wet as shit. ……………………. Yuck.
February the 23rd
I think this shack has become haunted as well. I think Abiba read this diary and she read about the wet kiss thing and now shes hissing “get out” every second of every bloody hour. I shall have to migrate to another place. I hear the Japanese are opening new public toilets around the Death Railway. I think I’ll take a look their. Public toilets are hard to find.
February the 24th
I am sick and tired of this life. A dog just chased me half a mile to this desolate place. I have no idea where this desolate place is. Looks like the middle of a battlefield. Big patch of free land. Lots of barricades. Hm.
February the 26th
That really was a battlefield. As soon as I finished writing that stupid entry someone fired a cannon and the cannonball whizzed past my ear. I think I’m deaf in my right ear now. I’m hiding in this small hole, still in the middle of the battlefield. I can’t get to sleep, the Japanese and the British are at it hammer and tongs, firing flares every 5 minutes and shooting guns and singing songs. The British are wailing this stupid song. I have no idea what this song is called, but I know it involved these 4 words as they repeated it over and over again: WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS!! The Japanese were singing something about how handsome General Yamashita looks. It was one of the most terrible nights I had to endure in my whole life.
February the 27th
I just ran out of water in my waterbottle. Also the special carrot I had been saving is now gone.
February the 28th
The British are now shouting about how Prince Charming walloped off the head of some evil demon and the Japanese are still shouting about how handsome General Yamashita looks. If I get through this, I shall personally see to it that he is stripped of every single ounce of handsomeness he has.
February the 29th
A rabbit dug straight into my hole. Rabbit skin is pretty tough to chew huh?
February the 30th
Found a squashed banana in my pocket. Had a couple of maggots in it so I ate those too.
March the 1st
Welcome to the new month.
March the 2nd
Welcome to the 2nd day of the new month. Finally the fighting has stopped. The last things I heard were: NOOO PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!! (sounded like some malay) “Hm! You fight against us, and you don’t want to die? DIE! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! “Haha just kidding.” *pants heavily* “Actually no.” *Some stabbing sounds occur, specks of blood and gore fly into my hole, these are quite tasty as well*
March the 3rd
I am running low on pen ink. I need to find a new pen as quickly as possible.
March the 6th
Found a pen in Adnan bin Saidi’s pocket. His flesh is a bit rotten now but it was still edible over the fire.
March the 7th
Just realized it wasn’t his pen, but a pencil. CURSES!
March the 8th
The stupid pencil broke. And now I’m back to this darned pen which is almost out of ink. I think it’s gonna be pretty tough to get a nice working pen. See you when I do, diary. P.S Stupid pen is OFFICIALLY out of in
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Zombie Outbreak in Tokyo!
Apparently, a disease has been terrorizing the Tokyo community, turning all citizens into bloodthirsty zombies, eager for fresh blood. These zombies have a strange way of sucking your blood. First, they slap your crotch real hard. While you're writhing in pain, they do a CHOP on the back of the neck. Apparently this CHOP kills the immunity nerves that prevent the following disease: Osteophorinic Dyslexic Degenerating Bionic Osmosic Aneroxic Rehydrating Disorder
This immunity nerve will explode, causing a combustion in the blood-veins of the neck. The guy who just got CHOPPED will simply vomit blood into the other zombie's mouth. Sounds horrible, but at the same time, comical.
The loss of the immunity nerve will also cause the person who got CHOPPED to want to CHOP someone else, and that someone else will receive the ODDBOARD disease. We believe this disease is man-made. FBI have conducted investigations and have displayed the amount of knowledge they have on this disease to us in an interview. Mr. CHOP has spoken to us.
ODDBOARD: Hi, Mr. CHOP. Mr. CHOP: Ahh, good evening. I believe you wanted to ask me some questions? ODDBOARD: Yes, we certainly do. Mr. CHOP: Oh. ODDBOARD: We would like to ask you a few questions on the case of the man-made disease in Tokyo. Mr. CHOP: Ah yes, that terrible incident. I hope it will never happen again. ODDBOARD: It's happening right now. Mr. CHOP: Well, I'm speaking as if I have already solved the case, which, in a way, I have. HAHAHA! ODDBOARD: Well... you seem very confident. You have the cure AND the notes on this man-made disease? Mr. CHOP: Oh. ODDBOARD: Oh? Mr. CHOP: YES I DO. I DO. I HAVE THE CURE RIGHT HERE. IT'S.. RIGHT HERE! (At this point, Mr. CHOP whipped out a package of instant noodles) ODDBOARD: Maggi Me? Mr. CHOP: Yes. ODDBOARD: Ahh, so it is the instant noodles? Mr. CHOP: NO. IT IS TEH POWDER. IT IS TEH POWDER THAT WILL CAUSE THE COMBUSTION, CAUSING TEH RETURN OF TEH IMMUNITY NERVES! ODDBOARD: Aha. So we have the cure. Now do you know how this man-made disease came about? Mr. CHOP: Some man made it. ODDBOARD: I mean you know WHO? Mr. CHOP: Yes. ODDBOARD: Who? MR. CHOP: My mother. ODDBOARD: Ah! That is surprising. MR. CHOP: AHBLABLABLABLABLAWHACKANSOIDNADWIAOIDNASOIDWANDKLASDNWIANDLKAD!!! ODDBOARD: Excuse me? Mr. CHOP: You will have to excuse me. I suffer from the disease named ODDBOARD. Do you know it? ODDBOARD: :O
Oddboard has also done some investigation, and it appears the answer is simple: The people want to CHOP necks. So what shall we do to cure them? Give them a Chuck Norris figurine! And who created this disease? I believe Mr. CHOP answered that.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Your Oddboard Guide to COOKING!
Hello everybody, my name is YAN and I am from Oddboard!
Today I has been asked to give you peoples a nice tutorial on how to cook a goooood bowl of noodle! I will show you how! Yes I will!
First ah, you take the noodle, you put in the bowl! You can choose any type of noodle, it could be the ahhh, spaghetti noodle, it could be the Mee Pok noodle, it don't matter! So you take the noodle, you put in the bowl, there's step one done, very very easy! If YAN can do it, SO can you!
Now you know what noodle needs anot! It need dah.... soup! No noodle complete without the soup! So what you do ahh, you take the noodle in the bowl, what I usually do is I eat the noodle plain because I like the noodle plain! But you can keep tha noodle in the bowl, put the soup in it! Now, I teach you how to make the soup! You first put 50 grams of baby powder inside a bowl! Put it in! It goes well with the soup! Gives it a powderful taste! Then you take a live fish, you chop it in half, you take out the guts and you put the guts in! Very very healthy! Then you take some paper, you slice and dice the paper, you put the paper inside also! Give the soup nice paper taste! Finally of course you put the water inside the bowl! Usually I use the toilet bowl water, it has many many nutrients!
So you take this ahhh soup and you put under the stove and you heat it until maybe five ten minutes! While the soup is heating, you must add in the following ingredients: 4 sea shells for the shelly flavour! 125g of pepper, very good for the nose! Now the soup is finished!
So you put the soup and put the noodle into the same bowl! Come on! If YAN can do it, SO can you! Now you has the nice nice noodle with soup, you must first put it in the freezer! This secret recipe of my grand mother best served cold!
You take out of the freezer maybe after 2 weeks, and you have the perfect meal for your family and friends! Remember, if YAN can cook, SO can you!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Singapore's best book! Singapore's own Mr. LaLoLeh has written a book, that, amazingly, has reached an all time best-selling record in the world. To give you an idea of what the book is about and whether you should buy the real thing or not, we have condensed the whole book right here!
The Diary of LaLoLeh His experiences and sufferings
1930s or 1940s, September something, I’ve lost track of the date
The Japanese have invaded Malaysia. I am frightened that they will come to Singapore. The British have been stupid enough to build the naval defense on the east side of Singapore. Or is it the west? I have no freaking idea. Anyway, it’s definitely not on the north side where the Japanese will/may come. Or is it the south side? I have no freaking idea. My friend in Malaysia has sent me a letter. I shall copy its contents into this journal.
Omg the Japanese are on my ass! They said that they’ll be pwning Singapore after they import all the girls back to Japan to sell for slaves. LaLoLeh, this is the last time I will ever write to you again! I will remember the times that we used to throw stones at that stupid little boy who acted like he was king. I will remember the times that you and I played together in the mud, drawing nasty pictures and comments of our families. I will remember all the happy times we had together. Or maybe I won’t, because I’ll be dead a minute or so. They’ve chosen the gallows for me it seems. Farewell, my friend.
And so long you feisty bastard. You freaking stole my teddy bear you know. I will never forgive you for that.
The day after the day that I wrote the entry about my friend in Malaysia
Rumors have spread that the Japanese are already on their way to Singapore, pumping their fat legs on bicycles. I am freaking scared that they will first come to my home, because my father is a soldier in the British army and he has killed a Japanese soldier and the Japanese soldier’s brother (or father, I’m not sure) swore revenge on our family. Oh noes!
The day after the day I wrote about the rumors of the Japanese coming to Singapore on bikes
The Japanese have set up an artillery base just on the border of Singapore. They are shelling the country almost every hour, and I just can’t get enough time to write a good entry before the explosions start and screams are heard. I hope I will get enough time to write a good entry n--
The same day after the day I wrote about the rumors of the Japanese coming to Singapore on bikes.
I hope I will get enough time to write a good entry now. Sorry about that, my stupid house blew up and I had to run for a hole I dug in the ground yesterday. I hope they won’t bomb this hole too. The stupid Japanese have even destroyed the Statue of Singapore. Now Lim Bo Seng is gonna get really pissed. And we all know what happens when Lim Bo Seng is pissed. He cuts our food rations.
The next day after the shelling of Singapore
The Japanese have stopped shelling us. I think they know that our defenses are already too damn weak to withstand even one of their soldiers coming in with a handgun. And that’s what they did. They sent one man into Singapore, dressed as a British soldier. He said: Hello everyone. Where are the bloody toilets? He was trying to fake a British accent, but almost everyone saw through his disguise. Including me. I threw this diary at his face, and while he was writhing in pain, my father emerged from his hole and kicked at his buttocks. “Get your ass back to Japan!” he shouted. He took my diary (this book) and he threw it back into my arms. “Good job, my lad,” he said. That was when the Japanese soldier threw up his arms, revealing C4 under his armpits. My father muttered a swear word before blowing up to smithereens. I am proud that he died such a great death.
The day after my father dies
The Tans have taken me in as their child. The Tans consist of Mr. and Mrs. Tan, and their daughter Amy. They have fed me what food they could afford and they have even made for me a small little pendant bearing my name. I am overjoyed. The Japanese have taken over the north side of Singapore. They have set up a FREAKING HUGE air base there. I sneaked in and counted at least 200 suicide planes. 200 is the number after 3 right? I’m not really good at numbers.
The day after the Tans take me in
Mr. Tan has been killed. Apparently he became greedy, and decided to try steal some rice from the Granary. A crow pecked his eye while he was grabbing a bag of rice, and he yowled out in pain. This pretty much blew his cover and also died by the Japanese hands. He did mutter a swear word too, so I guess he died a noble death.
The day after Mr. Tan dies
The British has surrendered to the Japanese. I hate the British. They are too sissy for their own good. If I were the British commander, I’d invite the Japanese commander over for a chat. I would treat him to some good wine. I would make him drink more. I would get all the prostitutes I can find to seduce the Japanese commander. Once he had lowered his guard, I would have KNIFED HIM! But that would be a spur-of-the-moment move. Actually I would just get him to sign a surrender form. A Japanese Surrender form. Maybe ask him to sign me a recommendation for President of the United States. And ask him to kill Bush. And kill that Barack Obama too, I think he has potential to become the next president.
The day after the British surrendered to the Japanese
I have been enrolled in the new Japanese school down the alley. Today was my first day, and it was the best day of my life! First lesson was Japanese Language Arts lesson. I irritated the teacher so much by giggling to myself: Nippon Paint, hehehehe! I repeated that line approximately 34 times before he broke down and killed himself. Next, for art lesson, they asked us all to draw a dog, and asked us to name it as well. I drew a mutt with dirty and saggy features, and I named it Yamashita. ROFL!! I got a big whip mark across my buttocks for that, but all is well. Next was a lesson on the Japanese History. We had to memorize the words of the Nippon anthem. They were testing us one by one. When it came to my turn, I sang the opera. I lost my manhood for that, but all is well… I guess…
The day after I went to my first day at school
I made a friend at school today. Her name is AhLian. She’s so hot, I would have probably been steaming so much it would have just shot outta my trousers, but without my manhood, I guess all I can do is be friends with her. Sigh…
The day after I made a friend at school
OMGOMG! I LOST MY DIARY!!! WHERE IS IT?!?!?!?!?! WHERE THE SHIT IS IT?! I SPENT DUNNO HOW MANY DAYS WRITING IT, AND NOW IT’S GONE!! IT’S… oh I’m writing on it right now.
The day after I “lost” my diary
I did so well at my exams that my Japanese teacher secretly snuck a television into my house. The first program I watched was: The Japanese History. The second was: Japan – The place of a million smiles! The third was: All hail Yamashita. IS THAT BITCH TRYING TO CONVERT MY MIND INTO A JAPANESE PIECE OF SHIT BY EDUCATING ME WITH JAPANESE TELEVISION? DOES SHE REALLY THINK SHE CAN TURN ME INTO A BRAINLESS FOOL LIKE THAT? FREAK THAT SLUT! IM GOING TO KILL HER. IM GOING TO KILL HER!
The day after I received a television set
General Yamashita is such an interesting man. I think the Japanese life is extremely luxurious. I hope to travel to Japan soon.
This is only the first part of the book. There is more to come.
What are you waiting for? Buy the real thing now!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Your Oddboard Guide to Life Issue #2
Your guide to MOVIES!
Twilight
Twilight is about a girl named IkillVampsWithAwoodenStake falling in love with a vampire. The vampire, a charming lad named CharmingLad, does not dare go near IkillVampsWithAwoodenStake as he fears his crazy self would emerge and he would rape her, but soon he develops and immunity. The show ends when IkillVampsWithAwoodenStake kills CharmingLad with a wooden stake as he looked gay. RATING: -0.5/5
Yes Man
Yes Man is about a man named Yes who says Yes to everything. Yes yes yes, he goes everyday. The show ends when he suffocates himself by saying yes so many times and dies. Sad endings are the best. RATING: 5/5
Ip Man (EEEEEEP MUN!)
Ip Man is about a man who loves martial arts. One day, he meets a young girl called Mary. Mary doesn't like him, but Ip Man is obssessed with her. One day she kills him because he hangs out with his friends more than he does with her. He comes back from the dead, and the following dialouge takes place:
Ip Man: Rawr. Mary: Holy Schmokes! Ip Man: You killed me... I don't understand... why..? Mary: It dont matter! Ip Man: Is it because you suck at martial arts and I wouldn't teach you a single move? Mary: It's because you did not teach me how to play defense of the asian, holy smoke. Ip Man: It's a very simple game, basically you choose one hero and you level it up, it could be the panda, it could be the bear or any other person alright, it don't matter. Mary: Then? Ip Man: Then you level it up, and basically this game is complicated at first, but then it be very simple. So you level up the character and then you cast the spell and kill other character, it's veri veri fun, holy smoke. Mary: Is it a good game? Ip Man: Blizzard did a very good job with the graphic, and all the gameplay, how it work. You can buy the battlechest for thurdy dolla, you will be able to play dowda man. You buy the battlechest and it come with the warcraft 3, reign of chaos and also the expansion, holy smoke. Mary: I kill you. RATING: 7/5
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Benjamin Button eats a button and dies. RATING: 10/5
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year's Day
Oddboard would like to wish you a good ol' new year's day. The new year party was a total success! First, 7 of the artists that were supposed to perform caught a rare type of rabies and they were contained in the quarantine cell. Gurmit Singh broke his leg. 3 of the special fireworks were accidently set off before the people even arrived, and the rest were some how damped and could not be lit up.
The hosts lost track of time and it was well over midnight before they realized that they had missed the count down. The people all boo-ed and threw flaming bottles of kerosene at the stage. 16 people were trampled to death and a further 6 committed suicide because they just thought it seemed appropriate. Many others attempted to jump off the stadium for fun, and they all died.
The stadium was burned to the ground by a crazy maniac who thought that the end of the world was near and celebrating new year's day was a waste of time. Terrorists also bombed the escalator in which 47 people were heading down and a further 242 people were queuing up. A total of 350 people were killed and a further 1205 people were wounded.
What a success!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Live Luxuriously!
Have too much money that you have no idea what to spend it on? No worries, Oddboard shows you the finest variety of everything that a rich person should blow all his money on. For example, the most expensive pens in the world! The cheapest of this collection is… $1300 US! The most expensive is $845000 US!
The V2000 Pen of Justice
The coolest pen you’ll ever see. Comes equipped with a holder for bandages and medicine. The Pen of Justice has a built in stun gun and mini dagger for self defense purposes. It even has a little motion/brainwave detector that will detect people with hostile intentions in a 50m radius and will warn it’s user. ($6500 US)
The N39 Pen Phone
It’s just a normal phone. With an installed pen. ($575000 US) (No photo)
The PEN-IS-6900.
Has a disposable, environmental-friendly container for convenient excreting of waste. Also serves as a reusable *coughcoughcoughcondomcoughcough*. Also contains a perfume guranteed to attract women’s attention. Lasts 2 years. ($250000 US) (Explicit Mature Themed Photo - Not Allowed)
Pen-da
Contains a voice box that says PANDAPANDAPANDA everytime you shake it. ($315000 US)
Pen-Friend V2.19
Contains an Omni-Sensor that will be your personal friend. You may select what kind of friend you want, whether the Omni-Sensor’s personality will be that of an angel or that of an arsehole. You can talk to it like you talk to another human being. The Omni-Sensor has a shit load of exabytes installed into it. It has the ability to direct waves of energy ito your heart, making you feel high without the bad effect of drugs. It has the ability to turn the pen invisible for fun. The Omni-Sensor was the cost of SIX atomic bombs. SIX. And scientists implemented it into a pen. What geniuses. ($1200 US) (No photo - It's invisible) Super Pen
Guess what’s so special about the Super Pen. Yes, you guessed it. It’s a BALLPOINT PEN! ($845000 US)
Most expensive restaurants in the world.
Café La Shit
Normal people are not allowed to eat in this restaurant. This restaurant is reserved for only the richest people of the world. A simple appetizer of mushroom soup should cost you around $525.99. But that’s because it’s not normal mushroom soup. It’s soup made of SHROOMS. Search it on the internet if you don’t know what a SHROOM is. Casa del Nuts
A plate of peanuts would cost you $59 US here. These are extra salty peanuts – you must have a drink of water with them. Water is not complimentary around here, you get it for $6.50 per 10ml.
Oddboard’s Eatery
Yes, this is our personal restaurant opened for commercial reasons! Forget about complimentary water here, every step on our antique carpet would cost you $54500 US. And 99 cents.
The most expensive houses in the world.
The Lancaster Shire of the Kings
Currently for sale. ($34.5million US – that’s $34500000)
Cottage in the Woods
Currrently for sale. ($9999999 US)
A House
Currently for sale. ($650 US - thats... $650 US)
Ah, every rich man needs something rich and kingly to do. What is this thing you ask?
ODDBOARD.BLOGSPOT.COM
YEAH!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Your Oddboard Guide To LIFE! The simple steps to a happy existence.
Hello and welcome to the first series of the OddBoard Guide to life! Most people think of life as a series of ups and downs, a maze you have to complete before the finishing line. Well, it's more complicated than that.
Here is your tutorial to a single happy and meaningful day.
1) Get the hell outta bed. 2) Brush your teeth. 3) Eat your breakfast. 4) Go to Oddboard to have a good read. 5) Eat your lunch. 6) Learn how to do the mambo. 7) Eat your dinner. 8) Say your prayers. 9) Get the hell into bed.
Ever had your parents keeping your allowance or grounding you? Well, Oddboard shows you a few tricks on how to annoy the crap outta them!
1) Bury your father's Honda. Tell him the dog did it. 2) Donate your brother's body to the Science New Species Research Centre. 3) Speak in acronyms. 4) Take your sofa for a walk. 5) Mow the carpet. 6) Paint the windows. 7) Dial 911... breath heavily. 8) Take apart all the major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts. 9) Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds.
Want to be generally irritating? Here are your tips!
1) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically when they answer. 2) Finish all your sentences with a "In accordance with the prophecy". 3) Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 4) Sing along at the opera. 5) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. 6) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 7) Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 8) Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date. 9) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 10) Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 11) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now." 12) Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 13) Turn on your Caps forever. 14) Did someone ask to lend your book? Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. 15) Leave tips in bolivian currency. 16) Never break eye contact. 17) As people talk, smell their shoulders. 18) Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips. 19) Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President. 20) Talk to yourself consistently when someone else is speaking to you. 21) Walk around with a plastic sword and shield and tell strangers "I must avenge the death of my father." 22) Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school. 23) Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper. 24) Call every girl you know "dude". 25) Throw the paper back at the newspaper guy. 26) Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!")
And that concludes the Oddboard Guide to Life Issue #1!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Singapore Countdown!
The Singapore Countdown on the 31st of December will be a night to remember. The whole party should begin at 11.30pm and end at 12.15am. Local bands like WeTheLosers and GirlPower will be performing songs that have been much favourited by the community, such as Go Go Power Losers, and Sugar Spice And Everything Nice.
Here's a sneak peak at the script that 2 hosts, Justin and Vernon will be reading out.
Justin: Welcome to the Singapore Countdown! Vernon: Welcome to the Singaproe Countdown! Justin: We are... Vernon: The Muttons! Justin: And we will be your hosts for tonight! Vernon: So true! Justin: First of all, we'd like to thank the audience for being able to be here tonight! Vernon: Hear, hear! Justin: And we'd like to thank M1 for supplying our mikes and speakers! Vernon: Thank you M1! Justin: We'd also like to thank Electrix, the company that supplied the wonderful light decorations for tonight! Vernon: Electrix FTW! Justin: We'd also like to thank Mr. Miyagi and Mrs. Miyagi and their young son, Miyagi Miyagi for being the wonderful organizers of this event! Vernon: Love you guys! Justin: We'd also like to thank Mr. Johhny McManny for co-organizing this event! Vernon: Woohoo! Justin: We'd also like to thank Ms. Foo for successfully inviting the Foo Fighters to perform! Vernon: I'm gay! Justin: I'd also personally like to thank the hairdresser who styled my hair! Vernon: And so is Justin! Justin: And we just want to express our love to Mr. Humongoushit, who supplied the food and drinks! Vernon: We look so gay! Justin: And I want to thank the Attire Department who put together these clothes! They are so lovely! Vernon: Because we ARE gay! Justin: That's all the people I want to thank I believe! Vernon: Okay! Justin: No wait.. there's another list in my pocket! Thanks to the volunteer group who put together such a lovely atmosphere! Vernon: WE ARE GAYYYY!! Justin: And thanks to the few insects that scared the contractor so much that he ran away and we had to get a new one and the new one was much better! Vernon: HOHOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Justin: HOHOHOHO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Vernon: Wait I thought it was the new year. Justin: We are so queerish. (Justin starts to cry) (Vernon stars to cry) (Both of them leave the stage) (Dr UTT comes onto the stage) UTT: I'm sorry! I have no idea who they were! I don't think they were part of the performance... Anyway, I'll just like to thank the audience for being able to be here tonight, and M1 for supplying our mikes and speakers, and...
That's all of the released script our journalists could find from the SC Department.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Terrible Tragedy!
Everyone knows about the Mumbai incident where terrorists held people, including a 28 year old Singaporean as hostage. Most people know that she was killed only yesterday. But do you know that there was another Singaporean held as hostage?
The other victim was a 80 year old Singaporean named Chao Chee Chiong Ah. She was apparently rushing for the elevator doors when the terrorists hit the area with bombs. According to several witnesses who made it out alive, she seemed to be irritating the terrorists with her banter. A witness recalls the conversation she had with a terrorist.
Chao Chee Chiong Ah: Hey, how you doin’? Terrorist: Shut up and seet on thee floor eeu beetch! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: Well, you see, I have to go to the bathroom. Terrorist: Oh reely? Weell, too bad! Eeu haff to keeeep those waters inside eeurr bladder! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: I’ll wet my pants. Terrorist: Noo! Do not make a scene here. Chao Chee Chiong Ah: Sorry. I have a disease that’s makes me have the sudden urge to go to the toilet. It’s called Dyslexic Umbercordic Monotamous Beratic Arteslyxic Singular Syndrome. It runs in the family. Terrorist: Women! Doo eeu want me too shoot eeu?! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: The matter of ‘want’ is out of the question. However, you ‘may’ shoot me. I am not giving you permission to carry out the order, I am simply giving you the gift of truth when I say you can shoot me anytime you want. Terrorist: What? Chao Chee Chiong Ah: The matter of ‘want’ is out of the question. However, you ‘may’ shoot me. I am not giving you permission to carry out the order, I am simply giving you the gift of truth when I say you can shoot me anytime you want. Terrorist: Listen women, eeu have no idea what eeu dealing with! I am very furious now! If eeu do not shut eeur trap right now, I will personally see to it that eeu die a horrible death! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: You are pathetic. Or should I say eeu are pathetic? Terrorist: Eeeuu!!!!!!! *At this point the terrorist backlashes the ‘women’ viciously in the face, and sticks his gun between her eyes* Terrorist: I am giving eeu wun last chance! If eeu do not shut up now, I shall keell eeu! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: EEU ARE A COWARD! Terrorist: AHHH!!!! Other terrorist: No! Do not shoot her! We had the agreement that we would not kill anyone until the ransom was confirmed! Terrorist: NOOOO!! I SHALL KEEL THEES BEEETCH! *All the terrorists ran to prevent him from killing the woman. Other terrorists: You could ruin the whole process, mun! You must compose yourself! Chao Chee Chiong Ah: Excuse me gentlemen, I have one thing to say.
“CHIONG AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
*Chao Chee Chiong Ah bats all the terrorists aside to run to the elevator, where all the other hostages already had escaped to in the commotion* Terrorist: THERE SHEE GOES EEU FOOOL! THERE GOES THAT CHEEE B**! *Other terrorist fires his machine gun, managing to kill the ‘beeetch’ and the other 28 year old woman. The rest escapes*
Upon finishing his story, the witness wiped away a few tears.
“She gave her life to save us all. God bless Miss Chao Chee Chiong Ah.”
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Funny signs, labels and records.
Sign on New York express way: ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR OF CONSERVING GASOLINE, PLEASE RAISE YOUR RIGHT FOOT!
The safety sign: SCHOOL AHEAD - GO SLOW - DON'T KILL A CHILD Written underneath: WAIT FOR A TEACHER
Sign above a rest-room hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS
On a packet of nuts: INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKETS, EAT NUTS
At a Barcelona travel agency: GO AWAY
Outside a factory: CLOSING DOWN - THANKS TO ALL OUR CUSTOMERS
In an Israeli butcher shop: I SLAUGHTER MYSELF TWICE DAILY
Sign in an Italian bar: TOPLESS BAR! (But it turned out to be a bar without a roof)
In a supermarket: WE'LL SERVE YOU FAST NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES
A petrol station with a restaurant next to it had this sign: EAT HERE, GET GAS!
On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
On a string of China-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR AND OUTDOOR USE ONLY
On a bag of chips: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! DETAILS INSIDE!
On Nytol sleeping aid: WARNING - MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS
These are actual medical records dictated by physicians.
By the time the patient was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wedding Of The Year! Singapore actor and actress Christopher Lee and Fann Wong are gearing up for two weddings. Their first is a movie production, starring Christopher Lee as "The Bad Boy" and starring Fann Wong as "The Good Girl". A part of the script has been released to give fans an idea of what it would be like.
[The Good Girl is having a sip of tea at the local coffee shop] [The Bad Boy sidles up to her and starts making loud retarded noises] The Bad Boy: I like I like I like I like! This I know! And I like! Ooh Aah! The Good Girl: Sorry, but my mummy said never to talk to strangers. The Bad Boy: Well, I just came to ask if you liked air conditioners. The Good Girl: I LOVE THEM! THEY'RE SO COLD.. AND NICE.. AND COLD! The Bad Boy: I FEEL EXACTLY THE SAME WAY! The Good Girl: Seems like we have so much in common. I don't even know your name, but let's get married anyway. The Bad Boy: Yeah baby. [The two take a nice walk in the park several months later] [The Good Girl trips and falls flat on her face] The Good Girl: OOOOOOOWWWWWTTTCCCCCHHHHHHHH!!!! The Bad Boy: OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!? ARE YOU HURT?!?! DID YOU LOSE ANY BLOOD?!? IS THE BABY OKAY?! The Good Girl: The baby's fine. I just tripped, that's all. Nothing much. [The Good Girl gets up] The Bad Boy: Oh alright. Let's go then. [The Bad Boy trips and falls flat on his face] The Good Girl: OH MY GOSH!! ARE YOU ALRIGHT??!?! ARE YOU HURT?!? DID YOU LOSE ANY BLOOD?!? The Bad Boy: I'm okay. And my baby's okay too. The Bad Girl: Your baby? [The Bad Boy strokes his fat stomach] The Bad Boy: Yep, I feel him now. He's okay. Ow, he just kicked me. Bad baby. [The Bad Girl stares, pukes, and then faints] The Bad Boy: OH MY GOSH! ARE YOU OKAY?! DONT TRICK ME! [The Bad Boy leans down to carry her to the hospital] [The Bad Girl suddenly whips out a knife and...]
This is the of the released part of the script. As you can see, it is filled with romance, comedy and action! It will hit the cinemas next year.
The second wedding is one they are truly having together. Much to the delight of the fans and paparazzi, they are cooking up a huge storm with this very publicized wedding, but it is believed to be only a publicity stunt to boost their careers.
Why do we believe this? Fann Wong suddenly got 15 movie deals in a single day. She only accepted one to do next year: The Gay Little Princess and The Fugly Little Beast (R21 FOR SURE). Christopher Lee also has received many movie deals, and he has also accepted one: Cinderella's New Boyfriend, (Rated G. LOL.)
Fann Wong says this wedding will be very very very grand. She has already announced that all the famous people will be attending, including a big bulldog to scare away unwanted guests. Well.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Here, I will show you 2 versions of the article 'Barack Obama Wins!' You can read them both and comment on the tagboard.
V1: Barack Obama Wins!
Barack Obama has been elected the new president of the United States. He has declared that there would be higher taxes, and no more guns. He has also listened to the pleas of the citizens and has declared more public toilets with extra toilet paper.
This is his full victory speech on the day he won: People, this is the hour of victory. I am the winner. I have defeated John McCain. I have Obama'Rolled him. I am The new president of the USA. (Cheering) This is your decision. It is your decision to have me as your president. The president. The president of the USA. I am proud to be the president. The president. The president of the USA. (People getting a bit "sian") Yes, you have chosen me to be The president of the USA, and I will do my duty, as I am The president of the USA. (7 or 8 people left the stadium at this point) Now, I declare it that the people of the USA will receive...
*At this point there was a technical problem, and the mikes went off, power was restored 2 minutes later*
Yes, I promise you that you will receive all that I have just said! I will keep my word, as I am The president of the United States of America! V2: Barack Obama Wins!
Barack Obama has been elected the new president of the United States. He has declared that there would be higher taxes, and no more guns. He has also listened to the pleas of the citizens and has declared more public toilets with extra toilet paper.
This is the full victory speech that he has given.
My dear dear dear people. You have chosen me to be the next president of the United States of America. I pledge to do my duty. I pledge to give you all a sense of safety in your homes. There will be no more flashers, no more rapists, and no more paedophiles, but I cannot ensure your safety from bears, because I love bears. I... I LOVE BEARS! OH MY GOSH, I JUST WANT TO HUG A BEAR RIGHT NOW! (Obama digs out a teddy bear from under his suit and starts hugging it) Oh, teddy, I love you so much. Do you love me? (Teddy appears to be a small baby bear) (Teddy says in a deep voice, "No.") (Obama drops the bear) I love bears so much! Therefore I cannot ensure that bears will not attack and eat you, because I love bears and I cannot bear to hurt bears. Did you see that? I just used a pun! I'm so clever! Heeheehee~! But I seriously cannot deprive bears of their food. They have rights too. If they want to eat humans, let 'em I say! Because I love bears! I am setting up the Bear Rights law. No one is allowed to hurt a bear, hunt bears, eat bear meat, or even TOUCH a bear, because they're all mine, because I love them, do you hear?! (At this point Obama started shedding tears) I love bears so much! As much as I love beavers! Oh, how adorable beavers are! In their cute little dams! Oh! I am setting up the Beaver's Rights too! You are not allowed... (By this time, everyone had already left the stadium in disgust)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Woman Arrested For Virtually Killing Husband!
The 43 year old Japanese woman was furious at her "husband" who had suddenly divorced her in the online game, Maplestory. The woman accessed his login details and hacked into his account, stealing all his items and spitefully using level 99 character to commit suicide several times.
The woman is now in jail in Llanfairwychogogogoschakaboosh, waiting to learn if she faces charges of illegally entering a computer and manipulating data.
She was taken to Sarappo, where her "husband", 12 year old Donald Donaldson lives. If charged with offences, and convicted, she faces up to 5 years in prison and a $5000 fine. "I was divorced so suddenly, it made me super duper angry, F5!" she was quoted.
This will teach ya buckaroos to stay away from virtual relationships.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Killer Balloon Wanted!
Lisa, a 23 year old, was visiting her in-laws, and she stopped by the local supermarket for some groceries. Then she got into her car, opened the windows and took a nap. She was then seen holding her hands at the back of her head and closing her eyes for almost an hour.
A customer who had been at the supermarket for a while became concerned, and walked over to the car to ask Lisa if anything was wrong. She responded that someone had just shot her in the back of her head, and she was holding her brains to keep them from falling out. The customer immediately called the paramedics, who ordered her to step out of the car. She refused to remove her hands from her head, or her brains would drop out, until the paramedics discovered that she was holding a wad of bread dough at the back of her head.
It seems that a balloon had exploded from the heat, making a noise like a gunshot, and a bit of bread dough had landed on the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the soft and sticky dough, and thought that it was her brains. Lisa also happens to be blonde.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Logos gone rather wrong
Megaflicks is a video store, but their sign implies something a bit different. Perhaps they shouldn't have capitalized it.
The Kudawara Pharmacy. What kind of logo is that?!
Arlington Pediatric Center. What a sick father.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Nobody messes with Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai
Although in his 80s, Mr Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai is not a man to be laughed at. He had earned his first black belt at the age of 3. By the age of 10, he was beyond belts. By the age of 21, all his teeth had dropped out and his hair was a plate of white, and all his muscles had grown weak. That was because his parents had kept him on steroids till the age of 15.
At the age of 25, his hair suddenly turned a shiny black again, and his muscles and teeth returned. He had become young again. He claims that it is the special Shao Lin Shit potion that he had created, rejuvenating his health and restoring his strength, although we believe he had another dose of Type-D steroids.
Now, even at the age of 86, Mr Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai is the first to achieve the Pink Belt. With the Pink Belt, he is allowed to strike people with the "Death Touch" rumoured to kill a man in one blow. He teaches other small kids how to do the "Death Touch", but that has led to disastrous results when one 7 year old managed to kill her mother, maid, father, brother and sister. He has not repeated the lesson.
Mr Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai lives in a small cardboard box by the Hakim Roti Prata shop. He says: Living in confined spaces builds character.
Mr Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai also eats 15 packets of fries a day. He says: Eating super-fattening fries builds character.
Mr Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai also has UH HUM 3 hours a day with his 23 year old wife. He says: It builds character. It's healthy too.
Karninarbuchaocheeborngkaosai also brushes his teeth with a metal spoke and uses bubble gum as tooth paste, and uses sugar water to rinse his mouth. He says it builds character.
Tomorrow is his birthday. He's going to get a new supplement of Type-D steroids. Lucky him.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Mas Selamat Captured!
Mas Selamat was seen hanging out at the WeWillGetYouDrunk pub. He was at table nine, drinking a cheap beer. The bartender recognized him a few minutes later, and reported him to the police. The police arrived at the bar 5 hours later to discover the fugitive STILL there! The police immediately hustled him to the police station for an interview.
Interrogator: Where have you been hiding for the past months? Mas Selamat: Mmmmhmhmmmmm... iiiinnnnn youuurrrr motherrr's kittchen! Interrogator: I am NOT going to repeat my question. Mas Selamat: I... bet you will... eh heh heh heh. Interrogator: Where have you been hiding for the past months? Mas Selamat: Youuuu... owe me 500 dollars officer... and let me go back to the JI Head Quarters... the only place where you can have REAL brotherhood... gggghhhhheeaaaggghhhh... Interrogator: And was this your idea of a joke? Posting this Mas Selamat checker on the internet?
Mas Selamat: Mmmmhmmmhmmm, that did get a few good laughs, didn't it? Nnnngggeehehehhhh.
The police could not get anything else out of him, he was too drunk.
Mas Selamat Movie!
The Singapore Film Productions have offered the police 100 grand to release Mas Selamat for a year to shoot a movie called Toilet Break - Mas Selamat, can we catch him, depicting several dumb police officers trying to capture the great hero, Mas Selamat, Lord of the Toilet Breaks. The police force has accepted and the government has approved, so the much anticipated movie is now underway. Be sure to catch it at the nearest Cinema.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
3 girls kill teacher!
A middle-aged man was found 2 days ago buried in the backyard of a 6 year old girl. The girl, named Barbie, was found guilty of killing the man, who was discovered to be her teacher. She also shouted that her two other friends, Teletubbie and Boohbah, were guilty. "I didn't do nuttin' by mah self you crazy ass fool!" she shouted to the police.
"I mah self was just havin' a little cup o' joe, before these two crazy ass kids come and bury some chopped up body parts into mah backyard! I was gonna spank those two kids, but I noticed some bum meat, and I had to cook that up for supper, maan!"
The police interrogator stared her in the face for 5 seconds before she broke down. "It was me, officer! I did everythin'! No wait, I didn't do nuttin'! It was mah two friends who stole into mah backyard to bury tha body! It wasn't me officer! Uh uh!" The police stared her in the face for another 5 seconds. "Okay okay officer. For pete sakes, you make it look so disastrous! We only killed him for his Britney Spears autograph! See see, we have it!"
At this point, she waved a peachy card in front of the interrogator's face, with Britney's autograph on it. Now for Teletubbie's interview.
Interrogator: Did you kill this man? Teletubbie: I want a cookie. Interrogator: Did you kill this man? Teletubbie: I want to sweep the floor. Interrogator: Answer me, you little crackadoodle. Teletubbie: I want to bang my head against the wall. Interrogator: I'll give you a good cup of jelly beans if you tell me. Teletubbie: Me and my two friends killed him for his Britney autograph. We buried his body in Barbie's backyard and we then had some good butt meat for supper.
Boohbah's interview had around the same results. These three girls will be sent to Beverly Hills to live, for winning the prize for the youngest girls to intentionally kill a man. They will have a penthouse each, with 88 million dollars to spend, plus 15 toy boys each. Lucky dogs.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Obaba... IS BLACK! Yes he is! It is an amazing discovery! We all formally thought he was white before he pulled off the fake skin and shouted:" I'M PROUD TO BE A BLACK!"
Fishes... CAN SWIM! They can! A recent study shows that fishes (those little things with fins) can swim! We put around a 100 fish into the water, and all of them started swimming!
Peanuts... ARE NUTS! For over 150 years, we have always believed that peanuts were brown peas. Now a research by one of our scientists shows that peanuts come from the nut family!
Wolves... ARE CARNIVORES! Holy shoot! We have always believed that they were cute loving dogs with a vegetarian stomach! Now they are eating our chickens like hot cakes!
Hamsters... LOOK LIKE MICE! A year ago, a survey showed that 65% of the people thought mice looked like crocodiles. Another 25% thought they looked like chimpanzees, 7% thought they looked like humans and 3% thought they were oversized rats! Now, we have discovered the truth.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Okay, fine, settled, i'll continue.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Cat-Killer Britney Spears!
Singer Britney Spears has been accused of killing Clay Aiken's cat. The killing happened around October 12th, 6pm. Clay Aiken's cat, Pussums, was skulking around Britney Spear's penthouse. Britney was just going out when she saw Pussums behind the trash can. Forensics believe she kicked the cat several times before feeding it poisoned milk. She then pinned a note to the cat before leaving it in front of Clay's house: Pussums is a distraction! Now you'll love me more!
Detectives believe that yesterday's drama caught on the security camera has something to do with it. It seems that Clay and Britney met at a McDonalds to chat over a packet of super-fattening fries. Our fellow writer wrote a script related to the events that happened.
(Clay Aiken walks into the restaurant, Britney is sitting down already)
Britney: Hiiiii Claaaayy. (Gives a flirty wave) Clay: So what did you want to talk to me about? Britney: I want to take our relationship.. further. Clay: Further? Britney: You know... like, more than just boyfriend girlfriend? Clay: Boyfriend girlfriend? Britney: You know... like marriage.. Clay: Marriage? Britney: Okay, f*** you. I want to marry you. Will you marry me? Clay: Nope. Nothing to it. Your not my type. Britney: Why not? We're both singers, you and I, I and you... US. Clay: I mean, your feminity is not my type. I prefer more manly people, with big muscles and abs. You should have heard that I prefer men now. Girls are defintely not my style. Britney: But..But.. (Pussums suddenly jumps onto Clay's lap) Clay: Ahh, pussums. I love you soooo much. Britney: Isn't pussums a female? Clay: How dare you insult my dear sweet honey-bunny pussums! (Takes the ketchup bottle and smashes it onto Britney's head, leaves the room with Pussums) (Britney cries, then goes crazy and starts flashing)
At court, Britney cried out that it was self-defence, that the cat was going to attack her. "You shut the hell up, you slut! You killed my poor dear sweet honey-bunny pussums! I ought to smash your head into a coffee mixer!" Clay shouted in response. The judge is 95% going to sentence Britney to 5 years in a lesbian prison, says the judge's wife, Mrs Clay Aiken (get it?). Britney is going to hit the dust, including her gay supporter, Chris Chrocker.
Martians attack Singapore!
Living beings from outer space! A myth, but it has been made clear that there are certainly aliens. And they have landed in Singapore! A 'spaceship' has landed smack in the middle of Orchard Road. It is not that oval kind of spaceships that you see in the movies. No, this one looked funny.
A few hours ago, ah lians and ah bengs were patrolling Orchard Road as usual, looking for helpless kids to bully. The spaceship appeared out of nowhere, pogo-ing down from space (duh). Witnesses say it went down at the speed of 500km/h, though a scientist has comfirmed that it came down at the speed of 5m/hour. The spaceship smashed one ah beng's head, causing instant concussion. The ah beng went insane and took out a knife to kill all the other ah bengs and ah lians. Happy days!
There seemed to be a label on the spaceship, that read, From Malaysia, To Taiwan. We believe this writing is some form of alien language. When the spaceship had cooled down sufficiently, a police officer tried to pry the box open with a screw driver. Another one smashed it with a hammer. Some technicians tried to burn it open with a blow-torch. They even dropped it in a vat of sulphuric acid. That's when one boy noticed a button on the top of the box, with the words saying: PUSH ME.
Some policemen could not understand plain english, and PULLED the red button. The boy rolled his eyes, bashed the men aside and pushed it. And the box slid open as easy as a sunday night.
What was seen inside?!
Just a bunch of toys. The boy discovered another label another the box that read, For Mary and Sam. Happy birthday! Here are a bunch of toys!
The story has it that the box of toys were going to be delivered to some chinese kids with english names, but it was pushed out of the plane by a naughty little monkey. Who could have guessed it?
Chemical Leak in Pennsylvania!
Yesterday, a chemical leak in Pennsylvania caused more than 2500 people to flee the country! The leak was caused by the WeLeakChemicalsEveryday factory. The story is that a group of Anti-Vampires broke in to dice up the chemical tanks, causing the leak. But vampires live in Transylvania, not Pennsylvania! These Anti-Vampires must have made a stupid mistake.
The chemical, a material called iKillYou, similar to sulfuric acid, leaked from a tank at the WeLeakChemicalsEveryday Chemical Corp, said plant manager Davy Davidoff Dorky.
1000 people have evacuated into shelters, but since Pennysylvania hates cowards, the authorities have secretly opened some windows, allowing the poisonous fumes to kill the sweet innocent civilians. None survived.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Shocking News about Meat! Not long ago, most of our meat was handled by butchers in local supermarkets and meat shops. Now, our meat is handled by bastuds who have no idea what they're doing. Last time, the butchers left the meat in the fridge to keep it nice and flavorful. Now, the bastuds piss on our meat, thinking that the acid would perhaps preserve the meat.
Of course, many people are insensitive to this, and unaware of what exactly the bastuds are doing. The bastuds not only piss on the meat, they inject rat poison into it and preserve it a tank full of chlorine gas. Disgusting, but really tasty! The bastud's style of preserving meat is by far the most unique way! Our meat has become full of piss and poisonous gas, and this has made the meat more plump, juicy and tender!
How to be a smart meat shopper First, you must inspect every piece of meat. If it smells sour and rank, it's the one you want! If it smells fresh and tasty, I discourage you to buy it, because I don't know. Next, you must question the assistants if the meat contains melamine, urine or rat poison. If the answer is yes, it is almost certainly the best meat you'll ever buy, but there are more checks to be done!
Go to the cashier, punch his or her face, and say this secret line, "You smell like a cockster." All cashiers know this secret line. The cashier will immediately take your meat to the meat room where he or she will inject a special unknown liquid called POISON into it, then add some extra melamine to give it more flavour. By now, the piece of meat would be looking extremely tasty and tender. Bring this haunch of meat home, cut it into 10cm by 10cm pieces, and eat it without cooking it! I assure you it will taste like heaven!
Now you know the secret to the meat of life! Have a great meal!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Four men arrested!
Four middle-aged men have been arrested for stealing phones and cash from a mobile store yesterday. We do not care nuts about their feelings, so we will give you their details. You can only trust the Oddboard Times to acquire such accurate details.
Lao Hong Chia Lao Sai aged 27 takes cocaine for breakfast 115cm tall. (Some sort of strange body odour was oozing from his pants)
Lao Quay Kia aged 24 takes heroine for lunch 8888888cm tall (He is also suffering from minor concussion from banging his head onto the ceiling.)
Ni Nao Nia Kia aged 25 takes crack for dinner 184cm tall (He looks like a pig's asscrack)
Mr Hazmat Hamza aged 83 he eats paper and drinks ink 155cm tall (He died on the way to the police station of old age.)
The four men tried to get their girlfriends (for Mr Hazmat Hamza, his old nanny maid) to seduce the mobile phone shopkeeper to get him somewhere else so that their boyfriends (or employer) could steal the phones. Unfortunately, the girls were so horrendous looking that the shopkeeper turned green and rushed out of the shop to vomit blood.
The four girls had not expected this discouraging reaction, and they crawled into some holes to die.
The four men, however, were happy that the shopkeeper was out. They raped the store, until not a thing was left (not even the shelves). The four men even left a note, reading Ue guys sux nehhxzxzzx. They then, remarkably stupidly, called for a taxi. The taxi driver recalls their conversation.
[Mr Hazmat Hamza] Hello, kind sir, be so kind as to take us to Geylang Road 333. (Gives a flirty smile) [Taxi Driver] Huh?! Say Again! I Got Hearing Problem Ah! [Ni Nao Nia Kia] Take us to Geylang Road 333 please. (Gives a sexy gesture) [Taxi Driver] Ohh! You want to go Geylang Road 333! Okay! I see you have alot of cash and phones! Did you just rob a mobile store ah?! [Lao Hong Chia Lao Sai] Oh, you noticed! Of course we did! We're manly, aren't we? Yeah, baby! (Smacks his own ass) [Taxi Driver] You suck, but let's hit the road, ladies!
By the time they reached home, they were greeted by the CIA, MI6, Singaporean and British police, as well as all the britney fans. The shopkeeper had obviously phoned the police, and the police had found out the location of these men from the taxi driver. They were all arrested for acting gay.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Twit Society Riots!
The twit society has elected a new general. This general, named General iieliektotwitnehhxzxz, has declared war over all good English speaking people in Singapore.
The twit society first started when a stupid little ah lian decided to create a whole new way of typing words. Unfortunately, this new way takes more than 2 times the amount of time taken to write a normal sentence. Her first sentence started on the internet, when she posted this.
Tis ishh miie niiuw wae 0f typing w0rds, w0rxxzzxxzzxxzz! Iie hope ue all will als0 type liek dis nehhxzxx. (Man, it took me a whole minute to type that)
One thing led to another, and soon a whole bunch of internet users started displaying the kind of stupidity that can only be displayed when you twit. This is an extremely bad example for new-comers, whom are easily influenced.
Now, General iieliektotwitnehhxzxz has launched a strike on the department of good English speakers in Singapore. They have invaded the little building by sending in twits to write all sorts of things on the walls at night, such as:
This has horrified many of the good English speakers, and even influenced some of the weaker ones to join the twit community. The good English speaking general, Mr. Squid, has fought back, bringing together a little group to spam the blogs of the ugly twits.
Now, General iieliektotwitnehhxzxz is preparing another attack on the blogs of the good English speaking community, but with enough effort, we can hold.
As the Dr. Jinx once said, We must work to ERADICATE all twits!
The bad news is that there are more weaklings joining the twit force. It is growing quickly, and it is up to us Anti-Twits to stop them. The good news is that the twits are outstandingly, strikingly, remarkably, extremely and incredibly stupid. No doubt they cannot even comprehend half of what is being posted here.
Remember, say NO to twitting!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
F1 Race Kicks Off!
Today, the famous F1 Race began, as 16 racers competed against each other in 61 laps. One of the racers was the extremely famous Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch, having won 1 race in his entire life, when he was 5 years old. His racing car is streaked with blue and orange, and is possibly the most stylish racing car in the world. When the light turned green, 2 drivers peed in their pants, wetting the engine works and causing excessive combustion, which obviously led to the explosion of both cars. One went mad with terror and jumped out of the car to do the Cha-Cha. 3 of the racers put their foot on the acceleration pedal so hard it went straight through the wiring, and they got electrocuted. That left 10 racers, who actually were able to start the race off correctly. They raced at high speeds of 15km/h, and 4 on-lookers got hit by one reckless driver. The driver, having found out that he had actually killed the 4 men, jumped in front of a moving car and killed himself.
There was sudden radio static in 3 of the driver's earphones, and they jumped in fright, knocking their heads against their loose helmets and causing instant concussion. By now, Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch was leading by around 2 seconds. The car behind him was driven by a Mr. Chia Kao Sai. He was determined to overtake the driver in front, and tried to swerve into the corner. Unfortunately, he suddenly saw his old grandma waving at him in the crowd. Actually, the old woman was pointing a middle finger and waving a sign that read: You lose, you suck bananas. Mr. Chia Kao Sai turned pale and crashed into the light stand, getting electrocuted.
Suddenly, when it was just a few laps before the finish, one of the drivers, a Mr. KickCock, injected some hidden nitrous into his engine, increasing his speed by a further 1km/h. But that makes alot of difference! He slowly gained on Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch, and finally surpassed him. Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch was so shocked that he had been beaten, that he screamed: WHY?! Most fortunately for him, his voice pattern coincidentally triggered a safe, but powerful internal petrol combustion. His car shot forward with the speed of 17km/h. 17km/h is pretty fast though. He immediately shot past Mr. KickCock, and went flying around the remaining laps to finish the race!
Oh, how the crowd cheered for him. Cries of "Moron" and "Loser" where heard everywhere. Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch threw up his arms in happiness, and that triggered a little bomb inside his helmet that was planted by one of his rival racers. His head exploded into a million tiny little pieces.
Oh, how the crowd mourned for him. Cries of "Finally, that loser is dead" and "I love you, whoever planted that bomb" were heard everywhere. Mr. KickCock, who is suspected of planting that little bomb inside the helmet, is now detained by the police. As a tribute to the dead Mr. Alamakurazinakoreenagachogogogoch, we post up a little picture of his amazing car.
P.S I'm not a racing fan, but congratulations to F Alonso.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Mas Selamat
We all know the JI leader has escaped long time ago. But not many people know HOW he escaped, so here's the story.
Mas Selamat was in the detention room. This is his conversation with the interrogator. Mas Selamat: I need to piss, man! Interrogator: Okay. (Leads to the toilet) Interrogator: Okay, piss now. Mas Selamat: My dick has several different kinds of infection. I have to piss in a rather awkward position. Plus, there's also the chance you can get it from me. Why don't you close this door? Interrogator: Okay, closing the door now. (Closes door) Now, Mas Selamat pees on the window. The extra-powerful pee melts the window in seconds. He wriggles through and escapes. The CCTV camera should have caught him. But the camera failed.
How did Mas Selamat escape the police grounds? Well, we believe he disguised himself as a Toilet Man, riding on this contraption:
Thursday, September 11, 2008
School blows up!
A school of 1234 students recently blew up. Crime Scene Investigators believe that it is dynamite that blew up the school. They have also discovered a message evidently from the terrorist carved on the body of a 16 year old. Here is the message:
I blew up this school because a Mrs. SUCK said to me," You have no brains, you no-brainer." This comment hurt me terribly. My first attempt to kill her failed miserably. I tried to poison her chicken rice with a Skin-Eating virus, only to discover she was immune to Skin-Eating viruses. Then I tried to scare her to death with a fake grenade. She didn't get scared, but she thought it was a piece of mutton pie and ate it up. Nothing happened to her. Then I resolved to violence, trying to punch her in the face. She caught it my fist and shoved it straight back into my mouth. Some students watching laughed at me. I swore revenge and planted some dynamite disguised as toilet paper. Mrs. SUCK took the toilet paper to the toilet. When she unrolled the paper, the dynamite was activated and everyone was blown to hell. I don't care. I'm happy. I also happen to be 4 years old.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I am back and I am ready to kick some balls!
New Japanese Live Teddy Bears!
The Japanese have recently introduced to the small kids a world of fantasy induced by Live Teddy Bears. The company that created these teddy bears is none other than WeHateTeddyBears, the world's leading teddy bear maker. The Live Teddy Bear can, dance, sing, talk and move like a real life person.
WeHateTeddyBears have also included some special features. You can press a small button in the remote control and the Teddy Bear will open it's mouth. Sharp jagged teeth will come out of it's jaws. Then it will launch itself onto any person below the age of 10 in a 5m diameter, slicing their fingers off and chewing their heads up. You can also press another button, and it will say, "Eat your vegetables or I will personally see to it that your bedroom is stripped of anything resembling a comfort, and that your ears are chewed off."
The Teddy Bear even has a mini MP3 Player inside it, filled with every single heavy metal song and death metal song bound to drive your kid nuts.
Here are some of the phrases that the Live Teddy Bear might say to you if you buy it.
Get a life, you loser. Give me a lolly, you little brat. Stop eating that bar of chocolate and come help me kill this ant! I am a monster, rawr. I am a ghost, and I will appear in front of you tonight to rip out your guts. Ugh, get out of the room. I need to take a shit. Come here so I can slap your face.
Buy it today! Only $49.95! Batteries not included!
P.S. Live Teddy Bear batteries are one of a kind. They are sold for $195.95 each. The Live Teddy Bear needs 12 of such batteries.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Big News! Unfortunately, I will be going away to Malaysia from Thursday to Sunday. This is sad news i'm afraid, as there may not be anymore news until then. So tara singapore.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Advertisements! Wonderfuk The most wonderfuk bubblegum you'll see! You can blow bubbles up to 20m in size! Of course when they blow, they blow the shit out of your head. Buy Wonderfuk!
Gay Cube It'll turn so smooth that it'll blow the crap out of your pants! One small nudge will have it spinning like a tornado. Very useful for killing young babies too! Just pour poisoning on it and shove it into their mouths!
Grenade of Death Uh huh! Yeah, this grenade will be sure to kill anyone who is in it's 2cm diameter explosion! Instructions. 1) Pull pin hard. If you don't pull it hard enough, a big monster will come out to kill you. 2) Type in secret code: YOUSUCK 3) Type in secondary secret code: YOUSUCKAGAIN 4) Type in last confirmation code: YOUSUCKMYCOCK 5) Put it carefully on the ground and take a step back. 6) Enjoy the harmless pink confetti that sprays out of it, and the sweet barbie doll music that the midden mp3 player inside plays!
Strawberry Biscuits These biscuits will definitely be an awesome evening snack! Great non-fat and super healthy ingredients used! Ingredients such as: 100g of Rat poison 350g of Cow dung 325ml of Piss 6 boxes of Tissue paper 4 bottles of Ink And finally, 1 tiny drop of strawberry juice that earned the biscuit it's name: Strawberry biscuits!
To have your advertisement here, please call 999!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Woman breaks neck!
Yesterday, a woman broke her neck by walking in front of a super-fast runner. It happened at the Annual Race, where some dumb people run for fun. One woman had just finished her race and was going home. Her name is Achmed, and she is 37. She was walking in front of a running participant named Borat. Borat seemingly wanted to crash into the woman (Oh ho ho) and he fell on top of her.
One person taking the timing for Borat saw everything. His name is Biatch. This is his story:
I was timing for Borat. He's like, damn slow, man. It was 45 seconds already and he still hadn't even completed 5m. When he realized he was going super slow, he took out some viagra and popped it into his mouth. Viagra, dude! Then he began running at the speed of a giant bakadouw. And that's really fast, man! He was like, woah, awesomely fast. Until he hit the woman that is. How sad.
A camera man was able to take a picture of it. We are planning on sending this picture to the "World's Funniest Pictures".
Sunday, August 31, 2008
New Super-Phone released!
Nokia have recently created a new phone, extremely slim with lots of space. It is possibly the most stylish creation of 2008.
Features
-Super Camera, can zoom in 120x -Super Video Taker, can store take up to 2 months of video, plus super clear video. No shit quality. -Super Fast, no delay or lag -Super Space, can hold 50000 songs, 300 movies and 999999999999999999 contacts. -Super Radio, can catch any radio signal within a 8876585km radius. -Super Music Player, it'll sound like the band's playing right next to you. -Super Surfer, it can go to any website with super speed, no loading required.
Nokia have decided to call this phone the Nokia 999: Gay Phone. After all, it's features are super gay. I'm sure you really want to see this phone. Well, here it is!
Um, yeah, that's it.
Bombed to hell!
Yesterday, a group of terrorists planted 150kg of C4 in the pentagon. Luckily, the president was not hurt as he was at the local coffee shop sipping low-caffeine coffee. How the terrorists planted the bomb inside the pentagon is extremely amusing. Here is the story.
One of the secretaries inside the pentagon, you see, had a drinking problem. On that particular day he ordered 50kg of Heineken to be brought to his office. This was the conversation he had with the beerman over the phone.
Secretary: I want 50kg of beer. Heineken too. Deliver it to Room 8648 at the Pentagon. Beerman: Sorry, our maximum delivery is 25kg of beer. Secretary: Damnit, die in a fire, b!tch. I'm telling you I need the beer! Beerman: Who are you to tell me to die in a fire? Secretary: I'm your father, luke! Beerman: Omg, it can't be! Secretary: It is. Now give me that beer or i'll spank your ass. Beerman: Right away, dad! Secretary: Oh, and one more thing. Beerman: Yes dad? Secretary: After you deliver the beer, go to the top floor of the building and jump down. Beerman: Of course, dad!
The terrorists tapped into this phone call, and dressed up as workmen. They delivered the C4 in a giant box to room 8648 and said to the Secretary, "Here's your beer. Drink it up while it's nice and cold."
The secretary opened the box a few minutes later to find some strange circuitry and wiring running all around. He said to himself, boy, I hope there's beer where i'm going, before he was blown to hell.
Such is the story.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Boy kills best friend!
A 9 year old boy has been arrested for brutally murdering his best friend. His parents freaked out when they saw the charges. When they discovered the truth, they immediately disowned the child. The boy, named Dave MingChang, was brought to the police station to interrogate the child. Here is the interrogation.
Police: Why did you kill this boy? Dave Mingchang: He stole my damn mickey mouse toy. It was my favourite one too! Police: So you killed this boy because he stole your toy. Dave Mingchang: Are you serious? No. I killed him because I wanted to. Got problem ah, officer? Police: I request you do not speak so rudely to your elders. Dave Mingchang: Oh yeah? Then why dont you crawl into a hole and just die? Police: Alright boy, last chance. Why did you kill this boy, really? Dave Mingchang: Sigh. I killed him because... Police: Because? Dave Mingchang: Because you're such a damn loser. Get a life you n00b. Police: That's it boy. You're going to prison. Tomorrow you'll be shaking hands with your cellmate and I hope it's a gay. Dave Mingchang: No officer! I'm truly sorry! I'll tell you how I killed him! Police: You do that, and I might just give you a chance. Now speak. Dave Mingchang: I killed him because.. Police: Because? Dave Mingchang: Because you're such a fatass. Police: Enjoy prison, you dirty little b!tch. Dave Mingchang: No! No! I'm sorry officer! I'm just being mad! I'll tell you! Police: SPEAK NOW YOU LITTLE FREAK. Dave Mingchang: It's because you wet your pants when you saw a unicorn! Police: AHHHH YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS! Dave Mingchang: And you're such a baby. Grow up. I killed him because.. Police: ... Dave Mingchang: Because my mother had an illness, and he.. Police: ...He? Dave Mingchang: HE SLAPPED YOUR LITTLE FACE! Police: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Such is the story.
Group of students missing!
Three days earlier, a group of students from moawidjiawijdoij secondary school went on a hiking trip to mount wagahakaloogi, and their trip was scheduled to end in a day. They still have not returned yet. We are missing 42 students, 2 teachers, 4 teddy bears and 1 big pizza that they bought from pizza hut.
One boy, 11 years of age, was calling his parents around the time something happened to him. He was just saying, "Mummy, don't be such a sissy. I can take care of myself. I got my teddy bear and mah bag of sweets. You really shouldn't be such a si--." At this point, there came a great rustling noise, like something jumping out of the bushes. The thing apparently shouted, "I IS GOING TO EET YOOOO!" before launching itself onto everyone and eating their insides. One boy managed to take a picture and send it to someone else before his balls got raped. Here is the monster that supposedly killed the hiking group.
It is extremely ghastly looking, though rather cute at the same time. Everyone best watch out for this massive killer. It may look harmless, but it can pwn your ass black and blue.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
New Monkey-Cat Species Discovered!
Yes, a few days ago, we saw a monkey humping with a cat. Here's the picture:
We watched the cat for several days. It finally gave birth to a very cute batch of kittens. But what ho! One kitten looked rather strange. It did not look monkey. It did not look cat as well. No, it looked extremely weird, like an alien from a science-fiction book. We took a picture of it.
Kind of weird, huh? That looks like a toad, but how can a monkey and a cat make a toad? Rather awkward. Maybe this cat is a pimp. Maybe it humps everything it sees. We do not know, but even for a toad it looks strange. We found out that it pees through it's stomach and it eats through it's backside. The mouth is used for scaring things. When it opens it's mouth, it looks disgusting. Even the mother cat is afraid of this new baby, and seems to swat it with her paw everytime it comes close to her. We are planning on suing this cat for child abuse.
Astronaut's Story
After our leader died, we others traveled into this planet, looking for any signs of alien life (not insects). We saw some pink underwear on the ground, and a cup of coke sitting on a rock, but nothing very alien-ish. Then we came to this gigantic structure in the middle of nowhere. There seemed to be a door, and on the door was the inscription: Do not enter if you are gay. Obviously we weren't gay, so we bashed through the door with our ray guns to apprehend whatever was inside. A very strange thing was staring back at us. It looked rather scary. Here is the picture we took of it:
It looked so alien like that one of our crew members became stiff with terror. He wet his pants and dashed out of the structure, but he jumped and he died. (Read the previous post to see how) I myself was rather shaken, but I composed myself and asked, "Who are you?"
The alien like creature said, "I am Michael Jackson! I can dance and sing for you! My crew member asked him to do so. The creature stayed still for a moment before blasting into the song "Thriller" and doing moonwalk and stuff. We were awestuck by the smoothness of his moves. As smooth as a smooth criminal!
As you see, there is life such as this on Squiddoo. We shall have to eliminate these scary creatures before migrating.
Friday, August 22, 2008
New Planet Found!
Astronauts have discovered a new planet 5 million km away from mars! This planet has a bluish glow and is roughly the same size of earth. People are naming it Squiddoo, after the great SQUID. Scientists have also confirmed that there is LIFE on the planet! This is a great discovery! Once we destroy whatever life is there with plasma tanks and bio-bombs, we can commence the great migration, where every single human being on this world will migrate to Squiddoo. Except for all the gays. They can stay and rot.
The properties of the species that are living on Squiddoo are going to be revealed soon, so keep your eyes peeled. For now we will continue on the planet itself.
This is the story.
Famous astronaut Swudiwudipudipong and his crew were in a spaceship travelling around and drinking tiger beer, when suddenly it gets as cold as hell. Swudiwudipudipong removes the blinds and looks out to see the strange planet looming before him, blocking out the sun's rays. Everyone shouted, "Wow! Wtf! It's a new planet! We shall name it Squiddoo! It's 5 million km away from Mars!"
Unfortunately everyone froze before they could make the journey. But the radio was on, and the people down on earth heard everything. They made a special spaceship with super-heaters, and managed to land safely on Squiddoo. It was as cold as dark as the moon, but there was water, trees and small insects! The leader jumped for joy at this discovery, but he soon found out that the gravity on this planet is like that in CS. When you jump, you go high as shit. Everyone was almost 54 times lighter than they usually were. The leader jumped for joy and he floated up slowly and slowly and slowly and slowly. His crew members watched him go up with binoculars.
The leader kept going up until he hit the planet's atmosphere. Now, Squiddoo's atmosphere is different from earth's. It is like a glass wall. The leader hit his head against the atmosphere and his blood spewed everywhere like a grotesque christmas decoration. The crew members laughed with joy and continued their journey into this strange planet. Several of them accidently jumped and died the same way, but 2 astronauts survived, and their story is extremely exciting. Catch it on the next News Oddboard Tonight!
Megalodon has been found!
In case you do not know what is Megalodon, it is the legendary shark that lived in prehistoric ages. It is 12m-18m long. By the way, that's freaking huge. Thats 39-59 feet in length, for pete sakes. Imagine if you saw that big black shit of a thing coming towards you in the ocean. You'd be scared out of your pants.
Anyway, it's been found off the east coast of swudiwudipudipong. The fishermen wasted 54kg of fish and 2km of net trying to catch it. 3 of them have been brutally mutilated by the Megalodon. Their faces were chewed apart and you cant tell if they're humans or people who just had plastic surgery failure. So far the fishermen can tell that it's about 10000000000km (or around 53.454m) in length. A little boy who happened to be on the boat at that time said that the Megalodon looked uber cool, and jumped into the ocean to swim with it. The Megalodon apparently was just thinking it was about time for an evening snack, and immediately plunged the boy into it's 6m wide jaws. Fishermen swore they saw the boy laughing like a retard before he was swallowed up like an ant. The parents were also on the boat, and they were relieved to be rid of the little brat.
One helicopter man took a picture of it. Here's it is:
Haha, okay, so he didn't really take a picture of it. He was killed by the shark while shouting mummy before he could take out his camera.
At this moment, the Megalodon is still battling the fishermen. Actually, the fishermen have all already died and the Megalodon is still roaming in the open seas. Care you don't get hooked by his massive tooth while building sandcastles.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Welcome to oddboard, the exaggoneration news center!
YOUR ODDBOARD GUIDE
1) If you are a newcomer it is suggested to read from the first post.
2) Read the latest post, check if there are other newer posts below.
3) Post a good ol' comment in the tagboard. (By the way, I know it's lame, so you don't really have to tell me)
4) You may have to use your imagination for the full effect.
